Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the....bed!

Due in no small part to my timely and erudite post about bed bugs ("Good morning..." August 22nd), the war on those creatures is being won. It appears the "surge" created by my post has had the intended effect.

Now we are faced with an even more insidious pest - the stink bug. All over the mid-Atlantic states you can hear the hue and cry. Wanting to find a warm cozy retreat for the upcoming winter, the stinkers are clustering around doorways and window sills waiting for the hapless owner who opens them to enjoy a little autumn respite. You may think you can stop their entry with a brush or a broom but their sheer numbers will prevail. We found one nestled happily in our blanket as we were changing our sheets yesterday.

It also appears that this variety, native to Asia, has no natural enemies here in the states. C'mon birds and frogs, get with the program! Maybe it's because when you kill them they let off a pungent smell, hence the moniker. They're not after you, they're after your fruit. They just bore a hole in it and suck away. While they pose no health threat and do not bite, the thought of my body becoming an egg laying nest during sweet morpheus is more than a little unsettling.

For those of you who remember the documentary film and science fiction novel The Hellstrom Chronicle, you'll recall that it predicts that insects will eventually inherit the planet. This is that theory incarnate. And when that big asteroid comes along and produces the earth's next extinction event, I know one species that won't be raising a stink about it.                                                     

Oh, silly me....I guess I just never looked at it that way before.

 Dear readers,

Two recent quotes from two very, very rich elitist liberals:

1. John Kerry: “We have an electorate that doesn’t always pay that much attention to what’s going on."

A testy U.S. Sen. John F. Kerry yesterday blamed clueless voters with short attention spans for the uphill battle beleaguered Democrats are facing against Republicans across the nation.

2. Warren Buffett: "Get over your anger…………it is not helpful to have people as unhappy as they are about what’s going on in Washington."

Who'd a thunk it? It's actually our fault! Dumb out-of-work voters. I mean, what part of "you're too stupid to understand" do we not understand? Why does this even have to be a democracy, anyway? Damn. I am one voter who is truly sorry and pledge my support to those who know best for us. I'm also holding a big "keep home the vote" rally so that we can keep these wise people in Washington.

And whose idea was it to restrict Presidents to two terms? Obama can't change us over to a socialist society in just a couple of terms. Roosevelt would have done it if it weren't for that pesky World War II and an early demise. Give "the One we have been waiting for" the time he needs.

Sincerely, your now enlightened blog host, Big Al

Here's an idea --- Fantasy Congress!

I'm one of the millions of fantasy football players that dot this landscape called America. I play the free leagues for fun, no money involved. One day, while I was so cleverly adjusting my lineup for the following week, it occurred to me. What if we elected and managed congress like we do our fantasy teams?  Would it look like this?

Fantasy Congress League rules:

 1. Keeper leagues- There will be no "keepers" from one season to another. Once you have drafted (elected) and used a player (congressman/woman) for the season that player will not be eligible for another season, ever. Think term limits.

2. Trades- If during the season you feel the urge to trade one of your players, no one could blame you. However, that player would have to sit out for their new team until after the next recess is over. Since there are longer recesses than sessions, that would limit the amount of damage that player could do for the poor owner that agreed to take him/her.

3. Waivers- Players that were not selected (elected) in the draft (election) would be put out on waivers. If an active player (incumbent) were to perform poorly, a very real scenario indeed, a player from the waiver wire could be selected to fill that position. Needless to say, the "dumped" player would have no more eligibility, ever.

4. Make up of teams- Each team shall consist of 9 players made up as follows: Seven congressmen/women, two senators. No more than two congressmen/women from the same state, and the senators must be from different regions of the country. No player who has been convicted of bribes, sex offenses or DUI's will be eligible (on the ballot), ever.  In the interest of having a pool big enough to select from, those with indictments without a conviction may be ruled eligible after careful review by the league commissioner (me). If still deemed ineligible they will not be in the draft pool again, ever.

5. Points will be awarded to teams based on voting records of the team's players during the season. For example: Votes to lower taxes (touchdown) - plus 6 points. Votes to increase taxes (fumble) - minus 6 points. Listening to the will of constituents (field goal) - 3 points. Voting for legislation that 70% of the country doesn't want (sack) - minus 3 points. Just showing up for a vote at all (extra point) - 1 point. You get the idea.

6. Super bowl - There will be no super bowl. Even fantasies have their limits!

Next blog: "Survivor" - Washington, D.C.

Nov 2, 2010 - What's it about?

It's simple. Capitalism or socialism.

"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries." - Winston Churchill

Dr. Changelove...or, how I learned to stop worrying and love retirement.

Please forgive the play on words from the title of one of my favorite movies. You can really get a runaway imagination when you're retired.

Which brings me to my blog topic for today, retirement. According to Wikipedia: "Retirement is the point where a person stops employment completely (or decides to leave the labor force if he or she is unemployed)". Of course the operative phrase here is "stops employment completely". This is where many retirees go so horribly wrong. They have trouble just being themselves and enjoying the things they could only just dream about during their employment. Instead they feel they have lost their identity or their value to society. Well, actually you have not lost your identity, you have just begun to discover it. And to my way of thinking, you couldn't be of more value to society than to be a happy, contented person.

Retirement allows you to expand your world like never before. From traveling to taking classes to volunteering to reading, you will fill up your time in a heartbeat. How often have you heard someone say " I don't know how I ever had the time to work"?

Well then, are you a good candidate for retirement?  Before you answer, let me caution you. Retirement is not for the meek. You might not be aware of the many pitfalls associated with retirement. These are just a few of the things you will have to deal with:

1. A lack of authority figures making demands on your time and energy
2. More time to spend with your grand kids
3. A choice of what time to arise in the morning
4. Not being able to be a part of rush hour traffic
5. Special rates during weekdays at most facilities

That's it. If you think you can handle it, we're looking for a few good men (and women).