Thursday, February 24, 2011

Scientists discover millions upon millions of new "Black Holes"

In a startling announcement, the scientific community has revealed that there are possibly billions more black holes than ever before imagined. For those of you who still aren't sure what a black hole is; consider this definition from Encarta dictionary:

1. object in space: an area in space with such a strong gravitational pull that no matter or energy can escape from it. Black holes are believed to form when stars collapse in on themselves.

2. place where things get lost: a place or thing into which objects disappear and are not expected to be seen again.

It is this latter definition that scientists lean on when referring to their recent discovery. When asked by reporters if they had given a name to this newly disclosed phenomenon the committee replied: "Yes, we call it purses." When queried further to explain this technical term the spokesman, looking rather incredulous, elaborated saying "pocketbooks, handbags, shoulder bags... call them what you want!"

That's right, verifying what most men have long suspected, common womens purses are now officially a part of the scientific lexicon of  the unexplainable. It comes as no surprise to most husbands, or men in general for that matter, that even the most erudite among us cannot completely grasp the chaos that is these seemingly indispensable devices carried around by every one of the other gender. For the most part, we have been very content to not know. The mystery surrounding the contents of purses, while occasionally piquing our curiosity, is at the same time threatening and best left unexplored. 

Who among us hasn't frozen at the command "check my purse, I'm sure it's in there." Aside from the frustration of trying to find something in there, we all imagine being skewered by some grooming device with sharp points. And what if there is a varmint living in the bottom of the bag? With the daily accumulation of so many articles who could possibly know what lurks in the abyss? 

But why now, after centuries of everyone ignoring this rather mundane item, has it become such a wonderment? Simple. The cellphone. It's only since the advent of the cellphone that the comparison to a black hole has taken on such significance. Here's the scenario: the cellphone rings; everyone hears it; everyone knows it is in the purse. Will the owner find it in time? Probably not. I would rate the odds at 100 to 1 that it will be a "missed call". Not only will they not get it in time but they won't find the phone at all. Life is suspended while the inevitable search is executed. It's such a pathetic sight because almost every new purse now has a specially accessible pocket just for the cellphone. But somehow it just doesn't seem to want to stay in there. We won't go into the reasons.

While nothing has changed and this ritual of pocketbook combat will invariably continue down through the ages, it gives some comfort to know that science has at least given it credence. That gives me solace for the next time I am asked to search my wife's purse, or as I like to refer to it, the "Event Horizon."

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