If you're like me, you've taken your share of "red eye" flights in the wee hours of the night. And if you're as curious as me, you've tried to imagine what it is like for the pilots and ground personnel who are working diligently through those lonely hours while we relax comfortably in the darkened cabin. What must the conversations be like between the flight crew and ground control?
Well, wonder no more. Here, for your edification, is what that conversation might have sounded like during recent night flights into the Washington, D.C. area:
United flight 112: "United 112 to Reagan tower, requesting runway assignment and clearance, over."
1. The "you'll never take me alive" award to Helen Staudinger. After being denied a kiss by a neighbor 39 years her junior, this 92-year-old Florida woman allegedly returned to her home, retrieved a .380 semi-automatic handgun, and fired several shots into the man’s residence. The 53-year-old man stated that he has been trying to thwart her advances for months. She has been charged with aggravated assault and firing into an occupied swelling. Bail was denied after Helen asked the judge what he was doing after the trial.
2. The "this is your brain on drugs " award to rocker Sammy Hagar of the group Van Halen. Hagar claims to have been abducted by aliens. Sammy stated that the aliens tapped into his brain by wireless. Hagar was released when the connection was dropped due to a weak signal. Like millions of other users the aliens immediately canceled their subscription to Comcast.
3. The "finally, a suicide method you can live with" award to the Tufts Medical Center team in Boston. Their recent scientific study revealed that yes, sex can kill. The article said that sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity -- such as jogging or having sex -- significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack. The team, which consisted of 7 men and 7 women reported that although their findings are indisputable, none of them suffered any serious cardiac symptoms while doing their "research".
4. The "pound for pound, he's the fastest man alive" award to Kelly Gnieiting. Kelly, a former sumo wrestler who weighs 400 pounds, broke his own record of 12 hours by finishing the LA marathon in just under 10 hours. It's a Guinness Book record with an asterisk since no other 400 pounder has ever attempted the event. When reached for comment, Kelly mused, "it could have been under 9 hours easily, but the line at the Burger King drive-through was the worst".
5. The "where's the beef"? award to Ricardo Jones of San Antonio. Jones, infuriated by the fact that the seven Beefy Crunch Burritos he ordered at Taco Bell would cost not 99 cents each but $1.49 due to a price hike, shot at a store manager with an air gun, brandished an assault rifle, had a shootout with police, and resisted arrest until he was tear-gassed. No one was injured in the melee and Jones was taken into custody and released on bail. As a precaution, police have posted a 24-hour watch on the gas station that Jones frequents.
6. The "I love it when a plan comes together" award to the two robbers in Tulsa, OK. The two men held up 3 different pizza joints inside of two hours last Sunday. However, at the Papa Johns place, the one man came in the front door brandishing his pistol and the manager said, "we don't have any money, we were just robbed a few minutes ago". Apparently, the other man had come in the back and stuck them up just prior. This gives more credence than ever to the old adage, "the early bird gets the anchovies".
7. The "don't count (or eat) all your eggs" award to Dongyang, China. According to the Qianjiang Evening Post, every early spring, a foul odor fills the air of Dongyang, Zhejiang Province. Dongyang people call it “the smell of spring.” It’s actually the smell of urine. Dongyang people collect urine from school aged boys and boil eggs in it. They sell them at 1.50 yuan (23 cents) apiece. It sells like hot cakes. These delicacies apparently also have curative powers such as ridding one of fevers and serving as a "pick me up" if you're feeling tired. Thanks, but I think I'll just take a nap.
8. The "Michael Moore - it's not your money, it belongs to all us" award to Kensley Hawkins. Hawkins, 60, has saved $11,000 by working while incarcerated in a Joliet prison since the 1980s, making about $75 a month. The State of Illinois now says he owes them that money for the cost of his stay." On the plus side, after two more years of labor Hawkins will be eligible for a free night at any penitentiary of his choice (weekend nights excluded).
9. The "didn't they used to go to jail for this"? award to Senator Claire McCaskill (D) of Missouri. McCaskill owes nearly $300,000 in property taxes for a private plane she owns jointly with her husband. She also recently paid back $89,000 for improperly using campaign contributions for the plane expenses during her campaign. Citing her "unawareness" of tax and campaign rules for the "oversights" McCaskill has graciously decided to sell the "damn thing" to be rid of the problem. No charges have been brought at this time. Meanwhile, I. M. Tootrusting of Fair Play, Missouri has finished serving his 18 month sentence for $3500 of back taxes owed to the IRS. It's good to be the Senator.
Just in........ the word is that team Obama is experiencing dissension behind the scenes. In the most serious of several recent staff disagreements, the push to eliminate the Libyan dictator has been slowed by lack of accord on how to spell his name.
Obama himself is partial to Qaddafi, while the Secretary of Defense insists it is Khadafi. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton, the most erudite of the three was overheard to say in a staff meeting "no, you idiots, it's Gadhafi"!
However, to their credit, they agreed that due to the urgency of the recent escalation of the conflict, and to show a united front to the rest of the world, they would just refer to the dictator as "that evil guy in the desert that dresses real funny".
"The treatment of the players by the NFL owners amounts to modern day slavery".
This comment was made by Adrian Peterson, star running back of the Minnesota Vikings, after negotiations broke down between the owners and the players union. He will make 10 million dollars next year. Average salary of all NFL players - $1.8 million.
This blog test will be a multiple choice.
1. This is the most absurd statement since: a. "I feel your pain" b. "I'm from the government, I'm here to help you" c. "Mine will be a transparent administration" d. "This is a big f...ing deal" e. "We'll have to pass this bill to see what's in it"
2. I hate the NFL because: a. I'm against slavery b. No one should get $10 million just for running faster than me c. It's the cause of my first 3 divorces d. It's painful watching 350 pound men wear Capri pants e. It's obviously a rip-off of the mini-series "Roots"
3. I would like to become a slave because: a. I'd like to make $10 million a year b. I'd like to be "average" at my job and still make $1.8 million c. I'd like to make an additional $5 million in endorsements d. I'd like people to treat me like I'm a hero. e. I'd like to have 6 months a year off and still get paid $10 million
This is a self-graded test.
Correct answers below:
Question #1: a,b,c,d and e Question #2: a,b,c,d and e Question #3: a,b,c,d and e
Once again, lib think has struck a fatal blow against reason and common sense. Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered the Dayton, Ohio police and fire department to lower their standards for passing the civil servants test. Passing grade is now 58% on one section and 63% on another. The reason for all this; not enough blacks are passing the test thereby not filling the numbers required by the minority hiring laws. There are so many incongruities in this decision that it's hard to figure out where to start.
So, let's start with the obvious. It's just plain stupid. Here's a hypothetical. You are suddenly very sick and have to go to the emergency room. The attending physician appears to be unsure of himself. You ask the nurse what's wrong. She replies; "due to minimum minority hiring regulations, the medical licensing exam passing threshold was reduced. This doctor got a 58 and 63 on his tests. By the way, he's ready for your surgery now". Oh, and the doctor in this scenario is white. That's because if you lower standards to accommodate any minority, the number of unfit majority "graduates" will rise as well. Police and fire personnel are the last line of defense in protecting your property and on occasion, your life. Do you really care what color their skin is? Aren't we pretty much past that? Wouldn't you rather know that they were knowledgeable about their job?
And what ever happened to the Constitution? States rights? When did we start thinking it is OK for the federal government to come in and dictate local ordinances? This Dayton civil servants test is consistent with civil exams throughout the country. Don't look now, but have you noticed that since January 2009, the federal government's has assumed many powers that it was never intended to have? To be topical, it's a lot like a tsunami. You may feel personally unaffected now because that wave is still a mile away. But it will surely engulf you shortly if you don't act prudently right now.
In a real sense, this is just another facet of the liberal left's give away programs. The more your very existence depends on them the longer they will remain in power. Feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments is not in the equation. Their thinking: you can't be successful on your own, let us do it for you. But hey, the liberals are the intelligent and intellectual ones. How do we know this? They tell us everyday.
Why aren't blacks outraged and incensed by this? After decades of successfully fighting to get the same opportunities as everyone else, has it now come down to "just give it to us anyway"? I don't believe the majority of blacks think this is a good idea. After all, it's their neighborhoods that need protection too. In fact, the director of the Dayton NAACP, Derrick Foward, came out immediately to renounce this decision. He said, and I quote "The NAACP does not support individuals failing a test and then having the opportunity to be gainfully employed". For his efforts, he was hushed by the national chairman of the NAACP who took the opposite position. I doubt very much that you will ever hear from Mr. Foward again. They're probably measuring his cement shoes as I write this.
And what about the double standard in the media? If this edict had emanated from the Bush administration, the press would be howling about their insensitivity and callous racism for putting down blacks in America. You know it and I know it.
Apparently the Obama administration's attack on American exceptionalism knows no bounds. If I may paraphrase a famous quote by Winston Churchill, "the inherent vice of free enterprise and competition is an unequal sharing of wealth and greatness; the inherent virtue of socialistic spread-it-around policy is an equal sharing of mediocrity and misery. Yes, you've heard me use this before. Get used to it.
Having suffered through my pathetic humor the past couple of blogs I know your ready to go back to the usual format. And nothing could be more serious than the recent events in Japan. Another devastating earthquake and Tsunami has ravaged that part of the world. I have many thoughts about all this. Here are some of them:
First, once again the United States shows its true mettle by offering and providing any and all aid it possibly can. To Obama's credit, he was quick to offer this as he should have been. I only hope he realizes that this is the America that he represents and not the one he goes around apologizing for. I would like to see him talk about this during his next overseas trip instead of what bad world citizens we have been. Be it earthquakes, floods, landslides whatever, America is always the firstest with the mostest to any spot on the globe.
Secondly, as Japan starts the onerous task of rescue, rebuilding and mourning its dead, I hope the global warming crowd will observe some decorum during this time. I know as sure as the sun coming up tomorrow that they will eventually place the blame for this earthquake on man made global warming. Wait, that's only partly true, I'm not really sure the sun will come up tomorrow.
Of course, there will be the inevitable hue and cry about the dangers of nuclear energy. The same bunch that criminalizes big oil and dirty coal will have a heyday over this. The very same energy sources that have heated, cooled and transported millions upon millions for the last 125 years are now the bane of man's existence, according to them. Of course there are dangers with nuclear energy, as there are with all energy sources. Certainly the Japanese, above all other nations, would have the most reservations about the effects of a nuclear accident. But they see the advantages of taking that risk. If and when solar and wind become viable economical sources of energy, people will die providing those too. All occupations have hazards.
Living near water and over fault zones is risky. The rewards are fantastic. The beauty of oceans and mountains beckons us all. But the earth is master over us, not we over it. If it wants to reclaim or release its dominion it will do so as if we didn't even exist. This is the speculative nature of living in these areas. The people of California know this, but I doubt that this tragedy will cause any of them to leave.
Please don't think for a minute that I have no feeling of loss over this horrific event. It is a terrible human toll that I, as well as you, cannot help but feel very sad about. But my pragmatic self knows that we will recover from it, learn from it and go on with life. A life that is as fragile as it is precious.
OK, don't say you didn't ask for it. You want happy....you got it. This one's dedicated to "Gabby".
A woman had a hobby of doing ceramics. She created some beautiful pieces and was a master at the pottery wheel. Her pieces sold at shows all around the area.
Her husband was jealous. He hardly ever saw her and had to make all his own meals. Deciding that there must be something to this ceramic stuff, he went out to her "barn" and started dabbling with the clay and the wheel. To his surprise, he really enjoyed it.
Before long he was addicted. He just couldn't get enough. He would spend hours, nay, days at a time working on his projects. Taking only time for nature calls and an occasional meal, he worked incessantly. He never took time to shower or shave or get a haircut...nothing that would take him away from his new passion. He was almost unrecognizable.
One day, when they were both working their ceramic wonders, a friend of the wife came by. She was amazed to see this strange looking man working with the wife. Unable to restrain herself, she finally asked the wife "is that your husband"?
To which the wife replied, "no, that's Hairy Potter".
One of my faithful readers has noted that my blogs have been on the morose side lately. I guess it's kinda like the evening news, 55 minutes of bad news to make the sponsors happy and then a fluff story to end it all.
Well, just call me "fluffy". In that spirit, I hereby dedicate this story to Bee.
A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be adjusted.
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano repairman in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to fix his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job calibrating the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a few years the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job. I have retired."
"I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come back and work on my piano." Again Earl refused and told him to get someone else.
Crushed, the man hired someone else, but the piano never produced such beautiful sounds again.
The moral to the story: Opporknockity only tunes once.
You just can't make this stuff up! Our esteemed Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, who never met an earmark he didn't like, spoke in Congress and gave an unassailable reason why we can't cut anything from the budget for the National Endowment of the Arts. It's the Cowboy Poetry Festival held every year in his northern Nevada. I know I speak for most Americans when I say that you can have your operas, ballets and art museums......just give me good ole cowboy poetry every time!
And you know I'm not one to stand on the sidelines when a patriot like Harry Reid needs me. In the spirit of the fairness doctrine, I submit the following to convince those dastardly Republicans that you just can't put a price on cowboy poetry!
Bust that bronc and ride that steer, Is that a horn stuck in my rear? Don't matter none, I'm full of sass I can take pain in my ass.
My testosterone is flowin now, I think I'll rope and brand a cow. And then I'll mend a fence or two, And fart a lot like cowboys do.
But who's that cowboy on the range? He sure does look a little strange. Don't quite know what I should think, It looks like he's all dressed in pink.
Is that a ribbon on his hat? I guess we'd better have a chat. He should know a cowboy's tough, And we don't cotton to that fluff.
That recent "Brokeback Mountain" flick, Has set a trend taint worth a lick. Oh, how I long for days of yore, When every cowboy had a whore.
But now since western times have changed, The image has been rearranged. We're no longer kickin butt, Cause we're stuck in this rhymin rut!
No need to thank me Harry. Just keep on giving me blog material.
Talk about a windfall! Michael Moore has ponied up folks. The Sultan of Sweat has declared that the wealthy of this country do not really own their money, it belongs to all of us! I'm assuming he's going to put his money where his pizza is and distribute all his wealth to the unclean among us. I'm posting this because if you don't get a check within the week, you should send inquiries to MichaelMoore.com. Leave you name and mailing address so they can get your check to the right person. What a guy!
The above headline refers to the fact that scientists have discovered that microbial life existed on a meteorite that fell to earth years ago. By the miracle of "microscience" they were able to find fossilized evidence of a particular bacterium that almost exactly matches one that is found here on earth. This, they say, is proof that life exists beyond our solar system.
That's right folks, taking this discovery to it's logical conclusion, some ET alien may be blogging as you read this. OK, let's get the alien jokes out of the way before we proceed. Q. How do you tell the difference between Big Al and an alien blogger? A. The alien will be the good looking one. Q. What do you get when you cross an alien blogger with Big Al? A. The only highly evolved alien with a feeble mind. Q. Why did the alien blogger cross the Universe? A. To see if intelligent life existed on earth. He returned with Big Al's blogs as proof that it doesn't.
The point is, I've believed for years that we are not alone. And certainly not because I have any scientific insight that no one else has. In fact, I have no scientific insight. What I have is common sense. Here are my reasons: (creationists may want to skip this part)
1. We would have to be totally ignorant (not to mention arrogant) to look out at the vastness of the heavens and declare "nope, it's just us".
2. Why, with the billions of stars and planets in each of the billions of galaxies, would life only have evolved on this one little speck called earth?
3. Why would we expect the life forms to resemble in any way what we look like? Have you seen an octopus lately? It should look alien to us.
4. If the universe is 12 to 14 billion years old as it appears to be, does it make sense that life forms only evolved in the last billion or so years? What a waste of time!
5. Evolutionists may cringe, but the elements needed for life as it evolved on earth may not be necessary for life elsewhere.
6. There are hundreds of examples of unexplained phenomenon on earth with no earthly explanation.
7. No one can prove beyond a doubt that there is no life out there. This meteorite proves that there is.
I leave you with this observation to give you pause: Nanu Nanu.
Seizing on the recent report by National Geographic that a small nuclear war would reverse global warming and seeking validation for his many postulations on the subject, Algore has announced his plans for a new documentary called "An Inconvenient Detonation".
According to the report published in National Geographic, experts state that even a regional conflagration would produce unprecedented global cooling. Data shows that after a regional conflict, say between India and Pakistan, the temperatures around the earth would cool 2.5 to 3 degrees Fahrenheit each year for the next 3 or 4 years. Of course, if it happened between two superpowers the cooling results would accelerate to the tune of 7.5 degrees Fahrenheit per year.
Gore was forced to come clean when he was recently photographed at Los Alamos trying to procure some enriched uranium and heavy water. In a news conference attended only by Gore's most ardent supporters. i.e. the environmentalist wackos, Al explained that "Detonation" would be a real time documentary. His plans are to have a nuclear device set off at an undisclosed location and blame it on some right wing nutjob who has been unduly affected by all the conservative rhetoric. The knee jerk reaction by other nuclear armed countries would then provide the necessary "nuclear winter" that would reverse the reviled man made global warming trend. Al plans to have camera crews, also equipped with thermometers, stationed around the world filming the event in real time and recording the cooling effects.
While most critics agreed that this is surefire Oscar material, one posed the possibility that Hollywood might no longer exist. To which Gore replied; "There's always Oslo and the Nobel".
In related news, upon hearing of Algore's plans, Michael Moore is reportedly moving up the production date of his new documentary, "Fahrenheit 7.5".