Thursday, December 30, 2010

News Bulletin - - Cvillean named worst new blog of 2010!

This just in....the watchdog group "Society Overseeing Blogs" has just announced that the blog "Cvillean" has received it's award for worst new blog of 2010. The group, called SOB for short, has deemed the blog to be totally unworthy of reading and an affront to literates the world over. Furthermore, that same SOB organization is lobbying congress to have the blog pulled from the internet as soon as they take it over.

In a statement released at the award presentation, a SOB spokesman  said " this right-leaning blog is nothing short of an attempt to influence its readers against the United Socialists States is..... I mean, the United States of America and the current administration. We, as leaders of the many SOBs in this country, will never stand idly by and allow Americans access to this kind of tripe. It's author, Big Al, if that's his real name, would have you believe it is just an opposing viewpoint but believe us, it's hogwash!"

A reporter covering the event asked the question "won't this award bring added attention to the blog and maybe even increase its readership?" To which the SOB replied: "Hah! If it doubled his readership it would still only be up to 6."

For his part, Big Al commented that he was quite honored by the award. "Up to now, I'd never won anything in my life", he opined, "now a Pulitzer doesn't seem like such a distant dream. The SOB has awakened in me a new awareness. That is, I can offend the left and actually get an award for it! To borrow a phrase, it just don't get no better than this (sic)."

As he headed off for a well deserved New Year's break he was heard to say: "I just hope the SOB keeps reading my blog!"

Happy New Year from Cvillean.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This just keeps getting better.......

I know you are all on pins and needles waiting for the latest update on TSA airport security measures or as I refer to it, "the nekkid truth".

You may recall the woman (pictured above, and how!) going through security in her bra and panties some while ago. This was her way of protesting the pat downs.  She was almost denied boarding that time because of "traces of nitrate somewhere on her body." Well, she's in the news again. She was again barred from getting on a flight because they were, and I quote, " unable to clear an unusual contour of her buttocks area." I can just imagine how many women her age would like to have an unusual contour like hers.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Sorry, I accidentally hit the x key on the keyboard while I was enlarging the picture, but that's not important now.

Anyway, this gal,  let's call her Tammy because that's her name, has quite a fascinating life story for her relatively  young 52 years. She was a practicing dentist until she lost her license when one of the patients in her care died hours after she treated him.  In 1997 she posed for a Playboy issue featuring America's dentists. I guess she must just have been selected at random, huh? She is currently working on a Doctorate degree. Oh, and did I mention that she is wheelchair bound? I couldn't find out why.

There's a certain amount of melancholy to this story because she is obviously a little bit off. She just may be a little bit addicted to attention. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else saw the remarkable resemblance between her and the alien in drag in the movie "Mars Attacks". Sharp guys, those TSA agents.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Frequently asked questions...........

Any good blog will have a section of FAQ to answer the most common questions and save the reader some time. In keeping with that, I list below some of those most germane to this blog.

1. Why did you decide to start this blog?
A. Because my mother didn't love me. Oh sure, she said she did, but I could see right through that. She always treated the other kids better. Remember the time she was supposed to take me to the park and....... oh sorry, next question.

2. How do you pick a subject for a blog?
A. Fortunately, there are a lot of idiots in the world doing idiotic things.

3. Why do you think readers will follow your blog?
A. See answer # 2.

4. I've noticed the blog has a definite conservative slant. Does this mean you are a Republican?
A. I will answer this if you promise not to tell Big Sis.

5. What are you hoping to accomplish with this blog?
A. I want to inspire young writers everywhere by showing them that you don't need even a modicum of intelligence to publish a blog.

6. I've noticed you are very hard on President Obama in most of your political posts.You've even gone so far as to call him a Socialist. Do you think you are being fair?
A. Thank you for pointing that out. In the future I will try to keep a more open mind when writing about Comrade Obama.

7. Keeping up with this blog must take quite a lot of your time. How do you manage it?
A. You are right. But imparting knowledge to the world is important. Therefore, I have cut my afternoon nap time down to 2 hours.

8. I detect a little bit of anxiety in your writing. It's almost as if you are writing so aggressively to cover up some insecurities. Is this true?
A. Why are you asking that? Did someone tell you to say that? Who are you anyway and who are you working for? Don't ever post on this blog again!

9. It's pretty obvious from your posts that you are not a believer in man made global warming. Do you think this record cold winter in Europe validates your position?
A. Yes I do. However, to be fair to Mr. Gore I'm sure he has the best intentions in trying to bring attention to this. I'm sorry if I have gotten carried away in my criticism of Mr. Gore. Oh, by the way, did you know his mother wore army boots? And he has the breath of a thousand camels.

10. You must have had hundreds of questions over the time you have published this blog. How did you decide to pick these for the FAQ section?
A. Are you serious? I made these all up. You must be one of the people in answer #2.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Reality TV -- further evidence that the Apocalypse is upon us.

I was thinking of just taking the rest of the year off from the blog. You know, renew the creative juices and all that good stuff. I was surfing the channels last evening after a hectic but enjoyable Christmas Day. Just as I was thinking of hitting the sack it came on. Another episode of "Hoarders", or as I like to call it "Horrifiers."

I am not trying to knock all reality shows, although many of them are quite deserving of a heap of criticism. They definitely run the gamut. There are, of course, the bottom feeders, like the one where couples were invited to a resort while the producers then tempted them with eye candy to see if they could break up their relationship. Then there are the Peeping Tom shows where we live vicariously with some offbeat family. The more laudable efforts would include "Intervention", where lives are actually trying to be saved and "The Deadliest Catch" where we see how dangerous just going to work can be.

But Hoarders is truly in a class of its own. These folks are not the bottom of the barrel, they are the slime and vermin that live underneath the barrel. I have seen everything from inch thick creeping mold to dead animal carcasses as normal adornments in some of these living quarters. A washed dish is as rare as the sect that worships the left hind leg of a salamander. Their houses make Ma and Pa Kettle's place look palatial. Homelessness begins to look like an appealing alternate lifestyle. Kind of reminds you of that old adage "Be it ever so squalid, there's no place like home."

More woeful yet is the fact that these newest TV personalities are not your typical recluse who has no contact with the outside world. These are people who have raised families in these conditions. It's often their offspring that have engendered the producers to come and film the place being cleaned up. They realize that this public embarrassment is their only way to rescue the individual and provide some therapeutic release for themselves. Naturally, the subjects themselves have no part in the cleanup. How could they, these things are their "treasures." Could you part with a cereal box from 1961 or a partially eaten pizza that has retained its nutritional value even after 12 years? They would rather sit out on the front porch complaining about how their life is being torn apart.

The fact that writing about this show is self-recrimination is not lost on me. I never was one who could turn away from watching a train wreck. My only hope is that the show is canceled due to low ratings as the audience moves on to the newest entry "Perverts and the Women Who Love Them."

Got to go now. I'm hungry and I know there's pizza around here somewhere.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

A Washington DC Christmas poem

Twas the night before Christmas, while in the White House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a spouse.
The tax bill was signed with the utmost of care,
In hopes that more voters soon would be there.

Congressional folks nestled back in their wards,
With visions of those who fell on their swords.
And Michele in her kerchief and “O” in his cap,
Were now resting up from a heck of a scrap.

When out on the “net” there arose such a clatter
Poor “O” was afraid to know what was the matter,
But he flew to the laptop with hurry and dash
And hit the start button and opened the cache.

His AOL mail had a message that said,
Click on this link, to a site you’ll be led.
And what to his wondering eyes did appear,
But a Wikileaks page and another bad smear.

It amazed him to see how people accuse,
He knew in an instant it must be Fox News.
He thought of the folks who were surely to blame,
He hated those grinches and then called them by name.

Now McConnell! Now Boehner! Now Palin and Beck!
Now Limbaugh and Hannity, you’re pains in the neck!
Where’s Biden, Where’s Reid, Where’s Pelosi or Rahm?
They used to handle these things with aplomb.

But inside was a calmness his face would belie,
And soon a bright sparkle came back to his eye.
For he knew what had happened just wasn’t that bad,
As Republicans did not even know they’d been had.

The tax deal was done and though it was fraught,
The trick had worked better than even he thought.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing with spending so vast
As a stimulus plan it would never have passed.

So he closed out the eve with some cookies and milk
While he laughed at Conservatives and all of their ilk
Yea they heard him exclaim, ‘ere he turned out the light,
“Happy Christmas to all, but to hell with the right!”

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Newsy tidbits from "the government beat"

When Harry met Nancy. Both Pelosi and Reid were missing in action during the Presidential signing of the tax cut extension bill.  These two congressional leaders, who never missed the signing of a bill that would take your money could not summon up the decency to attend . Apparently giving your money back to you is not patriotic enough for them. However, I've figured out a way they could make an even more dramatic protest. I've scoured the Federal Tax Code and I can find nothing that disallows someone from paying more taxes than are due. As millionaires who think the rich don't pay enough, they could set the example for others and pony up for a couple extra mill. Oh, and while they're at it they can sign up for Obamacare and drop their Congressional health plan coverage. Now that's putting your money where you're extremely large mouth is.

Further proof that no good deed goes unpunished -- Two men were ticketed by a Natural Resources Officer after they pulled a deer from an icy grave. In Baltimore County Maryland, neighbors banded together to rescue a deer that had gotten trapped in an icy river. The NRO on the scene offered no help but did write them a ticket after the incident because they did not wear life vests. Never mind that the law only requires kids 16 and under to wear vests. The ticket did not specify any particular violation, just a $90 fine. I just have one question. What the hell is a Natural Resources Officer and who gave them this much power? Sounds like the work of the environmentalists to me.

Forsooth, the Obamas were not invited to the April wedding of Bonnie Prince William and his betrothed! The reason given for this snub was that it is not an official state function. I have my own theory.
The first thing Obama did when he moved into the White House was have the bust of Winston Churchill removed and returned to Britain. Real smart, O. You don't think the fact that he dissed probably the greatest statesman of the 20th century and England would have anything to do with this slight do ya? Obama can only hope to be viewed by history as worthy enough to carry Churchill's cigar box for him.

This from ABC News:  Last fall, as he had done hundreds of times, Iranian-American businessman Farid Seif passed through security at a Houston airport and boarded an international flight. He didn't realize he had forgotten to remove the loaded snub nose "baby" Glock pistol from his computer bag. But TSA officers never noticed as his bag glided along the belt and was x-rayed. When he got to his hotel after the three-hour flight, he was shocked to discover the gun traveled unnoticed from Houston. "It's just impossible to miss it, you know. I mean, this is not a small gun," Seif told ABC News. "How can you miss it? You cannot miss it!"
Here's my take on this. While Seif's bag was going through x-ray, there was a playboy model going through the passenger scanner and pat down. Need I say more?

Auditors from the Federal Reserve told a bank in Oklahoma they would have to take down any decorations with references to Christmas. They cited an obscure clause in the Federal Banking regulations to wit:
the discouragement clause of Regulation B ........the use of words, symbols, models and other forms of communication ... express, imply or suggest a discriminatory preference or policy of exclusion. Is there any wonder banks are failing at record rates if the auditors are spending their time with this politically correct garbage instead of the actual books? By the way, a public outcry got this decision reversed.

I leave you with this thought for the season: Beware ye the stranger who approacheth and sayeth "Hi, I'm from the government, I'm here to help you."

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

"They did what?" Awards Volume I - 4th Edition.

The “did you have a nice trip?" award to the conditioning coach of the New York Jets who, during the Jets Dolphins game, intentionally tripped an opposing player as he was running along the sideline during a kickoff return. He was suspended for the rest of the season.

The “if you thought the Grinch was bad, get a load of us” award to the home invaders in Live Oak, CA (where else?) who tied up a 12 year old boy who was home and stole all his video games.

The “dust in the wind” award to the thieves who stole 400 brass urns from a cemetery in Houston, TX. Apparently they are then selling them for scrap metal. Talk about brass balls.

The “I forgot to pick my uniform up at the cleaners” award to the mailman in Wisconsin who delivered the mail while completely naked to a 52 year old woman acquaintance, at her office. He said he had noticed the woman was stressed out and he wanted to cheer her up and make her laugh. Which begs another question, doesn’t it?

The “will it play in Peoria?” award to the man who thought it would be a neat prank to throw a dead squirrel into the drive-through window of  a Hardees near Peoria, IL. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. I guess the answer is no.

The “ain’t it a shame when cousins marry?” award to the Swiss parliament which is considering decriminalizing incest in their country. Daniel Vischer, a Green Party MP, said he saw nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex, even if they were related. Vischer could not stay around to answer reporters’ questions however, stating that he was running late for a dinner date with his “hot” sister.

And this edition’s “hands down” winner:

The “oh, so that’s what it was” award to the TSA agents at the Raleigh-Durham, NC airport. When he “failed” the scanner image test a man was told he would need a pat down. When he asked why, he was told, and I quote, “there is something suspicious hanging between your legs.” After an extremely intimate body search, the agents were surprised to find it was, yes, I know this is difficult to believe, just the man’s genitals. The man has reportedly received several marriage proposals since the incident.

Yep, it’s the "good hands" people all right. (

Saturday, December 11, 2010

UN climate conference suggests International Climate Justice Tribunal

Sometime in the future……………

Policeman: “Sir, may I ask where you were heading when I pulled you over.”

Motorist: “Yes officer, I was on my way to buy some crack from a friend.”

Officer: “That’s fine son, drugs have been legalized in this state. May I ask where you’re from?”

Motorist: “I’m from Nuevo Juarez, Mexico. I’ve been living here three years now. I have no visa or passport but I’ve been meaning to get them.”

Officer:  “No problem son, this state is now a sanctuary state for illegals. Is that blood on the front seat?”

Motorist: “Yes officer, my friend and I had a disagreement and we struggled with a knife and he got stabbed."

Officer: “It’s OK son, this state has very liberal self-defense laws. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Motorist: “No sir.”

Officer: “Do you realize you are not driving a hybrid car?”

Motorist: Yes sir, but it is the only one I could afford. Hybrids are now $850,000.00 and I got this one for $175.00.”

Officer: "May I see your carbon credits card?”

Motorist: “It expired last year.”

Officer: “That’s a sad story son but I’m afraid I will have to arrest you. Please get out and put your hands behind your back"

Motorist: “What’s this about officer?”

Officer: “This state passed a “green driving law.” You will be charged with Ecocide. That’s a capital offense and punishable by death.” 

Motorist: “I would like to talk to my attorney.”

Officer: “Sorry son, the Ecocide statute states that those constitutional rights are abrogated because attorneys emit more CO2 than anyone else. A trial could jeopardize the entire population. Come with me please."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Big Al's fearless predictions for 2011

It's that time of year when websites and bloggers all around the world make their predictions for the coming year. Not to be out done, following are my predictions for 2011. Let's hope I'm wrong:

An earthquake will destroy much of Beverly Hills, CA. Democrats will immediately blame George Bush. Later, Kanye West will crash a televised “Beverly Hills Relief” charity show and say that Bush doesn’t care about white America.

Global warming, or rather, climate change advocates will present definitive proof that humans caused the extinction of Al Gore.

As a result of a decapitation by an illegal hit during a recent game, the NFL will change its contact rules and become the NFFL or National Flag Football League. Investors in businesses making Velcro will become overnight millionaires prompting President Obama to label them part of the “filthy rich” and subject to the recently passed 350% tax bracket.

Sarah Palin will star in a reality show called “Lefty Survivors” in which she will attempt to track down and shoot Bill Maher, Jonathan Stewart, Michael Moore, David Letterman and Sean Penn. PETA will be up in arms claiming that she is not hunting them for food, clothing or shelter but rather for political gain.

President Obama will take a crash course in Spanish as all the southwestern states will secede and form the UCA or United Cartel of America. His first Spanish speaking speech when he visits the newly formed country will be titled “Gringos – our common enemy.”

In baseball, all Hall of Fame records after 1997 will have an asterisk designation after them due to the recent discovery that after that time, the baseballs themselves were injected with steroids.

Congress will pass a law called “what you see is what you get” which will allow gays in the military to design their own uniforms.

A retired combat veteran will be threatened with arrest after flying the American flag in his yard. Oh wait, that already happened. Never mind.

All commercial airline passengers will be required to carry a two-sided nude ID picture of themselves in order to speed up the boarding process.

This blog will be classified as anti-American and terroristic and will be shut down. Big Al and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange will be named “Co-persons of the Year” by Time magazine.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The day that lives in infamy

For a change, this blog will take on a more serious tone. I had the privilege of knowing one of Tom Brokaw's "Greatest Generation” personally. My father-in-law, Robin E Larson, was a true WWII hero, literally from the first day of the war. “Bob” was a young Ensign pilot assigned to a sea plane patrol squadron based on Ford Island, in the heart of Pearl Harbor.

On Dec 7th 1941 he, along with thousands of others, was fighting for his life. When the bombing started he was in his barracks at the opposite end of the island from his seaplane. Along with several other pilots he jumped on a 2 ½ ton flatbed truck and headed for the planes. They had to stop a few times to jump off and duck under the truck during Japanese strafing runs. At one point he was standing a couple hundred yards from the USS Arizona when it blew up and broke apart. The blast knocked them all to the ground.

After finally surviving the harrowing trip across the island he and a copilot and some seaman pushed bombs into the plane’s bay door. They were going to push them out when they were over the enemy ships. The plane was never designed to be used like this but in the heat of that moment; there was payback to be had. He then gave his wallet to one of the seaman. He wanted there to be something to send back to his family, just in case. They miraculously got up in the air and headed  due west to “sink the Jap fleet”. Unbeknown to them and quite fortunately as it turned out, the Japanese had come from the north so they never found them. As he related it, the return to Pearl Harbor was far more hazardous. There was confusion with identity codes and American fliers had been shot down by mistake.

Next up was Midway. While not a direct participant in the battle itself. Bob played an integral role. Flying one of the scout patrols looking for the Japanese fleet he received and relayed the message and positions from the plane that discovered it.

Throughout the Pacific war, Bob and his crew flew numerous rescue missions to retrieve downed pilots or survivors from ships that had been sunk. He recounted one such episode during which he, his crew, and survivors had to stay on the ocean surface overnight. During the rescue the swells had grown too big to risk a takeoff. They spent the night bailing a small leak until they could get airborne the next morning. However, there was one he didn't talk about much. It was a failed rescue mission that is summarized on the following website  Look for the article of 30 Oct 1944. From personal knowledge I know that, as commander of the aircraft, Bob did not let any of his crew get into the life rafts until the wounded man was safely secured in one.

He also had the task of transporting many high ranking Navy, Marine and Army officers to and from battle areas. Many of the names you would recognize if you follow WWII history at all.

He was not to go through the war without a fair taste of ground warfare. His air group was assigned to ferry supplies and remove wounded from Iwo Jima. At one point, while waiting to be reloaded during the night, they were attacked and had to take cover in a foxhole. The next morning it was discovered that the men in the neighboring foxhole were dead. That night some Japanese had sneaked in and slit their throats.

Captain Larson went on to have a stellar career in the Navy, retiring with many commendations after 32 years. Before he died and after much nagging by yours truly and others, he finally wrote memoirs. They are a fascinating read.  In 1991, my wife and I had the honor of traveling with Bob and her mother to Pearl Harbor for the 50th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor survivors. Another war hero, President George H. W. Bush, spoke at the ceremony. It was one of the highlights of my life.

 Remember them all on Pearl Harbor Day.

Monday, December 6, 2010

One litter box go, please.

There's an old axiom in sports: Don't ever stop to look behind you because they'll always be someone gaining on you. I guess that applies to the world of coffee houses also. Eat your heart out Starbucks because the "Bean Shop" is about to run right by you. And guess what they're doing it with. That's right, "cat poop coffee".

Here's the description from the Calgary Sun of the latest "cup of joe" innovation:

The Bean Stop in Eau Claire Market is set to start serving Kopi Luwak — better known as cat poop coffee — on Tuesday, one of the most unique blends available anywhere on the planet. Produced in the Doi Chaang region of northern Thailand, Kopi Luwak is made when the common palm civet — a small, tree-dweller Cutler said is closer to a raccoon than a cat — eats coffee cherries. Once passed through the animal’s digestive system, workers pick the seeds out — by hand — and they are processed. The end result is what Cutler describes as one of the most unique blends of java you can find.

End result? I'd say that's an understated pun if ever there was one. While I'm basically a house blend coffee drinker, I understand how other folks might have different tastes for the more exotic blends around the world. But cat poop coffee? What about the tea drinkers of the world? Can "dog pee tea" be far behind? (there's that pun again - sorry). The kicker to this is that this coffee delicacy will run you a mere $25 a cup.

Well, as a confirmed capitalist, I say whatever the market will bear. If you're up for a little feline flavor in your morning waker upper, more power to you. Just don't come complaining to me if you suddenly have a problem walking past sandboxes.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My next blog -- a gift from God

I was having trouble picking a topic I wanted to blog on next. The frustration was reaching a crescendo when God directed my attention to an article. Steve Johnson, a wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, dropped a game winning pass, in sudden death overtime, in the end zone, against the hated Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers went on to win the game. Crestfallen, Johnson later went on Twitter with this comment:


I guess God must be from Pittsburgh.

You've all seen it. The batter goes up to the plate and just before taking position, he crosses himself or says a little silent prayer. The running back scores a touchdown and touches his lips and blows a kiss to God. The basketball player makes a religious sign just before shooting the free throw. I'm going to give the majority of these athletes the benefit of the doubt. I'm thinking many of them are just giving thanks for their health and abilities that allow them to be in this position. But you know a good number of them actually think like Johnson. That is, that God somehow takes time from his busy day of being the Lord to make decisions about the plays and outcomes of ball games.

I don't think so.

But just in case, I waited until there were no ballgames on before I asked him to help me pick out a topic!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

"I was against this celebration before I was for it"

In one of the most incredible displays of hubris in recent memory, your favorite "almost President" and mine, John Kerry, has surpassed even his most ardent supporter's expectations.

In an article from, it was revealed that Mr. Kerry has rented out the 2000 seat Boston Symphony hall for $85,000 from his campaign cache. He is throwing a party to celebrate his 25 years in the senate and 45 years of public service. The cost of attending this ranges from $70 per ticket to $4800. No, that's not a misprint.

This is unbelievable  on so many levels I'm not sure where to start. But here goes.

Call me dumb but when a person reaches a milestone in their career, doesn't somebody else usually throw them a party to honor them? To have to arrange your own celebration and use money from your campaign contributions should give you pause shouldn't it? I guess getting beaten by "W", who everyone supposedly thought was a dolt and the worst President ever didn't provide any clues, huh?

Also, isn't it a little insensitive to choose this time of year to solicit money? The holidays is when many charities campaign for donations for their worthwhile causes. Folks are in a more giving spirit and more likely to help at this time of year. Kerry is the richest Senator in the country with individual net worth at around 239 million. He has 2.7 million in his campaign war chest even though his next reelection bid is still four years away. But being the clever politician that he is, he sees this as a good chance to "get part of the action".

Of course, many of entertainment's elites will be in attendance. I can think of a few other more deserving causes that they could lend their fame and fortune to. Aren't they the ones who rail at the rich Republicans in America who don't care about the poor and don't pay enough taxes.? So what do they do? They have a little $4800 a plate get together to help Kerry raise money to pay the taxes on his yacht. Do you think that maybe this was why Kerry didn't connect with the little guy in 2004?

Phil Johnston, former Massachusetts Democratic Party leader is helping to organize this Dec 13th gala. In a statement he said, and I quote, "It’s a measure of John Kerry's strength among Democrats that this event should be hugely successful." That kind of says it all about liberal Democrats doesn't it.

In 2010's understatement of the year, Boston University political professor Thomas Whalen said the extravagant blowout "could be a turnoff to struggling Bay Staters." Guess that's why you're a professor, Tom.
For those of you who were wondering if Kerry could fill the shoes of arrogance and entitlement of the late Teddy Kennedy, wonder no more.

"Johnny, we hardly know ye". And that's good.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

"They did what?" awards Vol I -3rd Edition

1. The "if she sinks to the bottom she must be a witch" award to the evangelists in Ghana who tortured a witch "confession" out of a 72 year old grandmother and then proceeded to burn her alive. The leader of the group, a pastor, claims it was just an exorcism gone wrong. Religious fanaticism again in one of its finest hours.

2. The "did you want nuts with that?" award to the producers of the new whipped cream product that also contains about 18% alcohol. Not surprisingly, it has become a big hit on college campuses where our youth go to learn how to deal with life's many challenges.

3. The "where was Al Gore when we really needed him?" award to Sergey Zimov, director of the internationally funded Northeast Science Station. According to Zimov, even though the global warming event of 10,000 years ago was significantly worse than today's alleged event, it was still man that was responsible for the extinction of the woolly mammoth. Contrary to the long held belief that perhaps the warming event and extinction was caused by either solar activity or a slight shift in the earth's orbit, Zimov is sure that early man's "over-hunting" of the great creature was the real culprit. Not to mention, Mr. Zimov, if only man had left these beautiful beasts alone and starved or frozen to death, none of us would be here today burning all these fossil fuels.

4. The "that will  be 150,000,000,000 pesos for one hour please" award to Angeles Duran of Spain. Duran has registered the Sun with a local notary public as being her property.She took the step in September after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our solar system. Duran plans to charge everyone for use of the Sun and give the proceeds to charities while keeping only a paltry 10% for herself. Oddly, there is an international agreement that prohibits nations from claiming ownership of planets or stars but says nothing about individuals claiming ownership. Talk about your world class loopholes!

5. The "I didn't kill her, I killed the demon inside her" award to Michael Brea. Brea, a part time actor on the canceled "Ugly Betty" TV series, actually said that after he hacked his mother to death because he thought she was possessed. Brea is currently residing in a rubber room in Bellevue hospital where he receives daily visits from God.

6. The "one too many friend requests" award to the woman in Toledo, Ohio who stabbed a man over a Facebook posting. The last we heard, the man defriended her on his homepage.

 And the winner of this Edition's awards:

7. The "who could have predicted it?" award to a mall in Cerritos, California (where else?). The mall food court was closed Friday morning when a fight broke out amongst the patrons. The mall was having a midnight madness event to get a jump on Black Friday shopping. The fight broke out around 2:30 AM. Seems there were a few intoxicated shoppers who don't subscribe to California's "can't we all just get along" philosophy. Go figure.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

TSA - "the good hands people"

Once again the powers that be have heeded my latest blog (11/21/2010). In stunning news, the Obama administration announced that they have brokered a deal between the TSA and AMA. The two groups have agreed in principle to a solution for the grievances of the air traveling public.

In a joint announcement, the principals said they are using a "two birds with one stone" approach to this troubling situation. Beginning on the first of the new year, interns and first year residents will take over some of the duties currently performed by the TSA agents. It will work like this: if you opt out of the x-ray scanner you will be sent to private cubicle where you will receive an abbreviated annual physical. The men will be asked to "turn and cough" and then have a prostate exam while the ladies will have the breast and gynecologic exam performed. Assuming the doctors find no cancerous tumors or  C4 explosives, you will be allowed to board your flight. The cost of this will be covered by Obamacare. Of course, as also dictated by the Obamacare legislation, you will be fined if it is determined that you did not previously purchase flight insurance.

The administration was quick to note that this agreement with the AMA was only temporary. A spokesman stated: "we are presently working on reprogramming the military's bomb disposal robots to do the physical exam. When we bring these non gender specific automatons on line it should calm the public's fears about being groped by gay TSA agents."

In related news, Al Gore has petitioned the TSA to allow him to set up carbon credit kiosks in the exam rooms. Reasoned the world's biggest producer of CO2, "as long as you're willing to let us take away your last shred of dignity, why not your last dollar too?"

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Halt!......your privacy or your life!

OK. I admit it. I have been dodging this issue for a couple of weeks now. The TSA versus the air traveling public. It's a tough one for sure. I am all for the security aspect and a firm believer that it is the government's job to protect it's citizens from all enemies foreign and domestic. I guess it's all in how it's accomplished.

Do you remember the scene in the satirical movie "Airplane" from the 70's? The bad guys were moving right through the security checkpoint with ammunition belts, guns and bazookas but as soon as an innocent 80-year old grandma came through she was grabbed and thrown up against the wall to be strip searched. Pretty funny at the time. Who could have imagined that it would actually come to that? (The grandma part, not the gun toting guys part)

There appears to be no doubt that the current system had become way too intrusive. The scanner system is just an excuse for a group of  government employees to enjoy some free porn pics while getting get paid for it. The heck of it is, it just might catch a person hiding explosives too. And the TSA's assurances that these images are not saved or stored is laughable. That's not even considering whether the radiation produced by these things is harmful. Again the TSA  says no problem. They'll be the first to apologize when we all start showing up at emergency rooms. Here's hoping you haven't already been fined for not buying insurance.

The pat downs are nothing short of legalized sexual assault. That's bad in itself but when little children are treated like convicted criminals during a cell search, it's way past unacceptable. As one weary mother stated recently, "it's bad enough that I was just groped and fondled, but I do not want my three year old daughter to grow up thinking that it is fine for complete strangers to touch her inappropriately."

If you had any doubt before where I stand on homeland security, you will not after this. Here's the dilemma as I see it. We're a bunch of politically correct wienies. It's about common sense again folks. There are certain people that by their appearance tend to raise suspicion. I am not talking skin color or religious preference here. I'm talking about unusual appearance, attitude, demeanor, types of carry on baggage etc. By the same token, it's pretty obvious that some folks are not a threat. You could pick them out easily and you haven't had the top notch training of a TSA employee. If a wand exam or metal detector walk-through does not change that perception then why all the extra security exams on these folks? As for the "suspicious" types they can be pulled out for further security measures.

Is this profiling? Damn right it is! I think we all agree that the whole point of this is to keep an airliner with hundreds of people on it from being blown up. I think we all also agree that according to our Constitution, no one should be denied their rights due to race, creed , religion, sexual preference etc. etc. etc. Well, if you look or act like you have a desire to harm your fellow travelers, you will be inconvenienced for a short while, but assuming you are clean after the extra security check, your rights will not be abrogated in the least. You can get on the flight. If it's all right for a "no fly" list to exist, how is it not OK for a security officer to pull aside a person he or she thinks is suspicious for further checking.

Given the advanced state of technology in this country I can't believe there is not a better, less invasive system being developed. Until that comes along we will have this system. But to subject everyone to it, even if it is randomly, does not make sense. Random, smandom. You may recall there were thousands of people "randomly" vaporized on 9/11/01. It will be interesting to see if the Thanksgiving boycott of these security measures produces any improvement in reason or whether it will just jam up travel to the point of gridlock. Wait a minute. Here's a thought. Let's send Janet Napolitano and Barack Obama through the x-ray machine and pat down. That might help them to decide what changes might be necessary. There's no possibility their "junk" would show up on You Tube, right?

To my way of thinking, the more vulnerable area of air travel is luggage and freight. They are so much easier to conceal destructive devices in and there is so much more of it. I don't know this for a fact but my feeling from reading is that there is a lot less security in these areas than in human travel. Plots have been thwarted recently and Al Qaeda readily admits that it is now concentrating on easier cargo type targets that will not have the same impact as great loss of life, but will cripple the American economy and instill fear. And besides, they claim they are cheaper to finance. At least someone believes in Capitalism.

In the meantime, don't forget, the Constitution does not deny you the right to travel by other means. Ain't it a great document?

Friday, November 19, 2010

"They did what?" Awards Volume I- 2nd Edition

1. The "can I eat it until I need glasses" award to The Cheesecake Factory for their dish Pasta Carbonara  -- described as spaghettini with smoked bacon, green peas and a garlic-parmesan cream sauce --and loaded with 2,500 calories and 60 grams of saturated fat. It was dubbed "food porn" by the Center for Science in the Public Interest.

2. The "take two buckets of water and call us in the morning" award to Mayor Bloomberg and the NYC council for closing several fire stations during night hours as a budget cut measure.

3. The "one sarsaparilla coming up old timer!" award to the Japanese vending machine company who has marketed a vending machine which, using facial recognition, recommends a canned beverage for you based on your age and gender.

4. The "if it's Tuesday this must be Belgium" award to RyanAir Airlines for landing over 100 passengers in Liege, Belgium who were scheduled to land near Paris, France. They were told that due to the late departure of the flight from Morocco the airport in Beauvais, France had closed for the evening. What is most unusual about this is that the passengers refused to disembark for buses. The flight crew left and the passengers remained in total darkness.

5. The "he ruled/she ruled" award to the citizens of Alameda County in California (where else) who elected the nation's first transgendered judge to the county court. 

And in first place for this Edition:

6. The "Al Gore made me do it" award to rocker Neil Young. A warehouse blaze that  destroyed $1.1 million worth of Young's music equipment and memorabilia broke out in his custom hybrid 1959 Lincoln Continental a fire official said. Young's pride and joy, which he calls LincVolt and which runs on electric batteries and a biodiesel-powered generator, caught fire in the garage and the flames spread to the warehouse. The problem appears to have occurred in the charging system. Mr. Gore was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"They did what?" Awards Volume I - 1st Edition

1. The "when you absolutely, positively have to get there in a hurry" award -- To the sex shop in Alabama that opened up a drive through window.

2. The "nothing says I don't love you like self-immolation" award -- To the women who tried to set herself on fire at the G-20 summit.

3. The "Constitution? What Constitution?" award -- To the school in Sacramento, California (where else?) that made a boy take the American flag off his bicycle because it might cause "racial tension".

4. The "don't do as I do, do as I say" award -- To Obama's committee for overseeing waste in the stimulus plan for having their meeting at the Ritz-Carlton in Phoenix.

5. The "go ahead, jump" award --to the web cam viewers who encouraged the Japanese man to commit suicide on the internet. Honorable mention to the deceased for not disappointing his adoring audience.

6. The "they said it couldn't be done" award -- to Celebrity Cruise Lines for coming up with a cruise where all the passengers actually lost weight.

 And the top winner for this edition of "they did what?"

7. The "I'll keep doing this until the stupid voters get it right" award -- to Nancy Pelosi for her decision to keeping "leading" the democrats in Congress.

Monday, November 8, 2010

OK, open your wallets, here it comes (reference my blog of 8/27/2010)

 This news article from Breitbart: 
"A top UN panel on Friday called for increased taxes on carbon emissions and air and sea transport to raise 100 billion dollars a year for poor nations to combat climate change.

The group led by the prime ministers of Norway and Ethiopia also proposed a tax on international financial transactions for a UN fund aiming to be ready by 2020. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon called the proposals "financially feasible and politically viable." Environment pressure groups said governments are duty-bound to follow the proposal". - 11/07/2010

As Ronald Reagan might have said to these climate demagogues, "there you go again, taking a false premise and making policy decisions on it".

It will take some time but someday we will all be wearing halter monitors that will measure our CO2 output when we breathe. We'll be taxed accordingly. The attached warning label will read like an airplane restroom: "any effort to tamper with or disconnect this device will result in severe criminal penalties". Think George Orwell's "1984".

You're probably saying Big Al has finally gone off the deep end, but you have to admit that with today's science anything is possible. H.G. Wells was a visionary author whose "wild imaginings" about the future have either already come to pass or the technology now exists for them.

And while I'm at it, this same article is an example of how America will be treated if we abdicate our sovereignty and become just another member of the so-called global community. With countries like Ethiopia and Norway calling the shots how can we go wrong? After all, Scandinavia decided to give Obama the Nobel peace prize just for being elected. A little liberal-leaning maybe? The UN and Western Europe would like nothing better than for us to just be "one of the socialist guys" (reference my blog of 9/23/2010).

The UN does a lot of good work around the world. It's there after natural disasters and it continually advocates for the underprivileged countries and people in the world. Therein lies it's abundant worth to mankind. But when it tries to intervene in politics and dictate world policy it shows it's ineptitude. 

If  there's anything we are "duty-bound" to do it's to expose this power and money grab for what it is.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

School marm to town marshall: "Who was that masked man anyway"?

By now you have all heard about the Asian youth who boarded a flight from Hong Kong to Vancouver disguised as a very old Caucasian man. (see above) Using a bogus boarding pass he passed through all security stations without anyone catching on. About two hours into the flight he got up, went to the lavatory, removed the disguise and quietly came back to his seat. A flight attendant alerted the pilot who radioed ahead and the youth was arrested on arrival in Vancouver. He immediately applied for asylum in Canada. The why of this is yet to be revealed.

Aside from all the obvious Benjamin Button jokes, this bizarre episode of news of the weird begs several questions:

First, if you can morph into someone and not a soul recognizes you, why would you have to go to another country for asylum? Couldn't you just live there undetected for as long as you like?

Secondly, if you're going to travel incognito, why not pick a disguise the chicks would go for?

Thirdly, is airport security just there to inconvenience the innocent travelers? Get a grip folks, this guy had a mask and an incorrect boarding pass.

Lastly, I've heard that Vancouver has some of the world's best Chinese restaurants, but are they worth this?

A caution for your future airline travels guys. That lovely, vivacious blond sitting next to you.....I'd wait until she has to use the restroom before I'd make any moves.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The morning after -- A Limerick

There once was a man named Barack
The head of a liberal flock
He'd spend and he'd spend
Like cash had no end
Now the country's completely in hock.

He sold us on hope and on change
But his version of that is real strange
It means take what you've got
Put it all in a pot
So the wealth he can just rearrange

Companies now live in fear
Sure that he'll soon commandeer
Their plants and their stocks
Til they're all on the rocks
And well in the government sphere

Barack thinks we have too much pride
So our country he tends to deride
He goes overseas
Just to appease
That's not something we need to abide

The electorate soon became tense
All they wanted was some common sense
So they went to the polls
And now the bell tolls
All at the incumbents' expense

The chickens have come home to roost
The election has given a boost
To the way things should be
Now Obama can see
That the country's no longer seduced

Congress he'll evade even more
As he asks "what's the hating for"?
Well, I'll clear up the doubt
Because as it turns out
You're not who we've been waiting for!

There's more politicians to shelve
As into this mess we still delve
And "The One" who must go
Won't be running the show
Not after two thousand and twelve!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Obama declares: " Redistribution of hormones is good for the country"!

A hormone found predominantly in wealthy people was linked to a longer life, according to British research published Thursday. Scientists from University College London studied thousands of over-50s for the English Longitudinal Study of Aging and found that wealthier participants had higher levels of the life-lengthening hormone DHEAS.

This startling development was pounced on by the White House as the answer to a dream. A spokesman for the President stated: "Along with our plan for the redistribution of the money of wealthy Americans, we will now be able to redistribute their longevity as well.  By taking the hormone from these undeserving rich folks we can produce a synthetic DHEAS for injection into the less fortunate among us."

Obama has plans to create another agency to handle this genetic engineering program. The new head has yet to be announced but the position has already been dubbed "The Heredity Czar". The administration has rushed this program into existence as a way of helping the flagging fortunes of many democrats in Tuesday's elections. When reached for comment about the new program, the democratic candidate for Governor of Rhode Island was heard to say: "Obama can take his hormones and reproduce himself !!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Moral: A stolen stone gathers no moss --but the cops do.

This is a mugshot of Gregory Liascos, who was recently arrested for breaking into the Rice Northwest Museum of Rocks and Minerals in Oregon.

Police found Liascos drilling through the men's room wall in an attempt to get to the museum's quarter million dollar gold collection. They assume Liascos was thinking he would blend in with the exhibits, you know, sort of a "cloak of invisibility" approach.

On a more positive note, Liascos hopes to be released in time to market his disguise for Halloween.  Advertising slogan: "Be the first in your neighborhood to go as a bird's nest". My guess is it will lay an egg.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

A new medical term?

Keyboard dyslexia. Ever had it? I do.

How can someone who has no problem reading or speaking be so inept at typing. It may be because I type too fast but a real typist would laugh at that notion. Maybe I should not look at the keyboard so much. I actually seem to do better when I don't. But still there are the transposed letters, missing letters, extra spaces and at times, totally cryptic words spilling out of my fingers.

Before the word processor, I would spend more time correcting mistakes than actually typing new words. Now, at least, with the processor, I can fix my mistakes so fast that I can finish within a reasonable time. Except for this unsolicited confession you probably wouldn't have suspected. Thank God for spell checker. Between that and several proof readings I can appear to be coherent. Even at that, I still see mistakes after I post something and have to sign back in to correct them.

Anyway, I thught I wo uld let yuo knot    tha passting thiss blog is   nut a eazy asit luoks.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Free speech -- NPR style

The latest lightening bolt of liberalism struck one of it's own. Juan Williams, a contributing Senior Political Analyst for National Public Radio, was fired yesterday for comments he made during an appearance on Bill O'Reilly's show. Williams is moderate liberal who is one of the few liberals who will invoke common sense into a discussion. He was talking with O'Reilly about the host's now celebrated stint on "The View" during which two of the moderators walked off the set. All because of a comment about how it was Muslims that killed Americans on 9/11. Well, duh. It was the Japanese that bombed Pearl Harbor. It was the Germans who systematically exterminated Jews. Are we so damn politically correct that we have to state the obvious that it was the extremists among them who committed those acts?

Anyway, Mr. Williams allowed as how when he is flying, he becomes a little nervous or fearful if he realizes that self-admitted Muslims in their traditional garb are also passengers on the flight. For this honesty he was fired by the government supported NPR. Can you say censorship? The very group who hails free speech and dissension as basic American rights, now decides who amongst them may say what.

I have a question for those of you who read this blog. Since 9/11, have you ever had a flight where it was obvious there were Muslim passengers. If so, did you not have just a little hint of apprehension about what could happen if they were the extremist type? Did you not wonder to yourself, just for a moment, what must it have been like that day? You know you did. Whether or not you will admit it is the question.

For Juan Williams, this admission cost him his livelihood. I'm not exactly crushed that there will be one less liberal pontificating on NPR. And I won't shed a tear if the liberals start killing off their own, but the trampling of this man's rights is disconcerting.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The party of 'no" versus the party of "gimme"

I hear it all the time. Republicans are the party of NO. They vote against Obama's programs in Congress just to be belligerent and make him look bad. Or are they just being a concerned parent?

To me, the spending issue is more like the difference between a parent who is too lenient and a parent who practices discipline. There are a few different definitions of discipline but the one that strikes at the heart of it is "training to increase strength and self-reliance". Parenting is the hardest job in the world. It takes great inner strength to say no to your child when you would much rather just see them happy. It would make your life so much easier to give your child anything they wanted. Teaching them to earn their way and watching them struggle to do it takes a lot of faith, courage and heartache. But it prepares them for the real world.

Our government is the lenient parent. It needs to be the disciplining one. It's sure easy to say yes to all the groups looking for handouts. Not only does it give you a warm fuzzy feeling, it will probably get you elected. But it creates many a disincentive and many a "spoiled child". As you parents know, once you have said yes to unlimited spending on a child and then try to reign them in, there's hell to pay. You can see this happening right now to our government. When is the last time you heard about a government welfare program being discontinued? We never seem to terminate one to add another. We just add it on anyway. And the debt continues to skyrocket as more groups line up at the treasury trough.

The party of no? I think after November 2nd it will seem more like the country of no.  Or, to put it another way, parenting at its best.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

And this is the government you want "taking care of you"?

Here are just two articles from the past week or so:

1. "As states slash support and stimulus dollars are funneled through targeted grant programs, local governments must simultaneously give pink slips to veteran employees and opportunities to fresh recruits." -- Washington Post

And never the twain shall meet.

2. "The federal government last year sent about 89,000 checks of $250 each to dead or incarcerated people through the Obama administration's economic stimulus program, according to a watchdog report."  -- Associated Press

Let me do the math for you. That's $22,250,000.00. Every taxpaying household in the country just gave 16 cents to a dead person or a convicted criminal. And some people say Americans aren't generous!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Beautiful moment ---- beautiful people!

You have often heard me refer to the "dark side" of human nature when discussing events around the world. With terrorism and drug cartels and saber rattling always in the news, it makes one almost ashamed to be part of the human species. That's why it's especially gratifying when the best of human nature takes center stage, as it is now doing in Chile. I know you all are feeling the same heart-warming emotions as me watching these brave men return to the earth's surface from one-half mile below. Words coming rushing forth at this incredible display of human endurance and ingenuity meeting face to face. Words like courage, composure, compassion, spirit and many many more.

I know little of this sliver of a country but I think I now know all I need to know. These are wonderful, intelligent and beautiful people. The bravery of the miners is honored by the determination of the rescue team and the dignity of the families. And the president is showing his remarkable common touch by just being one of the crowd and hugging each miner as they gain back their freedom. This is no photo op; this man cares.

This is ongoing and we hold our breath as each man bravely endures a terrifying journey to be reunited with his loved ones. The trials these men have faced are not over. The difficulty they will have adjusting to their "new" life is well documented. But for now, it is a scene that only the coldest of hearts could keep from appreciating. And, for a change, we can be proud we belong to the human race.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Forget baseball - America has a new pasttime

It's called Road Rage! I just finished a 1500 mile trip through New England. I didn't fly but I still kissed the ground when I got home. There's nothing like a long road trip to remind you that there are many, many really crazy people out there with a one ton weapon at their disposal.

I actually had to stop and check the back of my car to make sure some prankster didn't put a "please run me off the road" sign on my bumper. I mean, I'm not responsible for pot holes, road construction, speed limits, radar traps or any other highway problem another driver might have. Why do they want to take out their frustration on me? Oh, and for those of you who read my other posts, I didn't once leave my blinker on for an extended time.

We've all seen him. The dreaded "weaver".  I had drivers who apparently thought I was out to ruin their whole day pass and cut in front of me with mere inches to spare. There's little I can do at that point but I will not give them the satisfaction of honking at them afterward. That would acknowledge that they had accomplished something. And of course, if they are crazy enough to drive like that, they are probably also crazy enough to have a loaded AK-47 on the front seat with them. As the man said, "discretion is the better part of valor". Anyway, there are other ways of getting even with those miscreants.

Well, I"ve got to end this post. I have to go outside to try to get the blood off my front bumper. Drive safely!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

No fries....cheeps!

This just in from Tennessee: Bruce Tuck, who confessed in December to a series of rapes in Martin, TN, and was sentenced to 60 years in prison, and who faces still more charges, tried to withdraw his confession in June. He complained that he was not of sound mind at the time because, though weighing 275 pounds, he was being held in jail on a “lettuce-only” diet. Thus, he said, he was unusually vulnerable when a detective offered him a bag of chips to admit to the charges.

This is the old "potato chip" defense and the coppers fell for it. When will these flat foots learn anyway? Can't they see they're be set up for an appeal with this kind of bribery. What 275 pound "alleged" sexual deviant wouldn't give a false confession for a bag of chips. This is entrapment at it's very worst. Forget about water boarding, this is what torture is all about. What kind of a cruel mind denies a man his junk food and insists he eat something healthy instead? This appears to be the most egregious kind of police brutality since Rodney King.

In his comments to the press, Mr. Tuck was heard to say "can't we all just have some chips"?

P.S. For me, it would be donuts.