If you're like me, you've taken your share of "red eye" flights in the wee hours of the night. And if you're as curious as me, you've tried to imagine what it is like for the pilots and ground personnel who are working diligently through those lonely hours while we relax comfortably in the darkened cabin. What must the conversations be like between the flight crew and ground control?
Well, wonder no more. Here, for your edification, is what that conversation might have sounded like during recent night flights into the Washington, D.C. area:
United flight 112: "United 112 to Reagan tower, requesting runway assignment and clearance, over."
1. The "you'll never take me alive" award to Helen Staudinger. After being denied a kiss by a neighbor 39 years her junior, this 92-year-old Florida woman allegedly returned to her home, retrieved a .380 semi-automatic handgun, and fired several shots into the man’s residence. The 53-year-old man stated that he has been trying to thwart her advances for months. She has been charged with aggravated assault and firing into an occupied swelling. Bail was denied after Helen asked the judge what he was doing after the trial.
2. The "this is your brain on drugs " award to rocker Sammy Hagar of the group Van Halen. Hagar claims to have been abducted by aliens. Sammy stated that the aliens tapped into his brain by wireless. Hagar was released when the connection was dropped due to a weak signal. Like millions of other users the aliens immediately canceled their subscription to Comcast.
3. The "finally, a suicide method you can live with" award to the Tufts Medical Center team in Boston. Their recent scientific study revealed that yes, sex can kill. The article said that sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity -- such as jogging or having sex -- significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack. The team, which consisted of 7 men and 7 women reported that although their findings are indisputable, none of them suffered any serious cardiac symptoms while doing their "research".
4. The "pound for pound, he's the fastest man alive" award to Kelly Gnieiting. Kelly, a former sumo wrestler who weighs 400 pounds, broke his own record of 12 hours by finishing the LA marathon in just under 10 hours. It's a Guinness Book record with an asterisk since no other 400 pounder has ever attempted the event. When reached for comment, Kelly mused, "it could have been under 9 hours easily, but the line at the Burger King drive-through was the worst".
5. The "where's the beef"? award to Ricardo Jones of San Antonio. Jones, infuriated by the fact that the seven Beefy Crunch Burritos he ordered at Taco Bell would cost not 99 cents each but $1.49 due to a price hike, shot at a store manager with an air gun, brandished an assault rifle, had a shootout with police, and resisted arrest until he was tear-gassed. No one was injured in the melee and Jones was taken into custody and released on bail. As a precaution, police have posted a 24-hour watch on the gas station that Jones frequents.
6. The "I love it when a plan comes together" award to the two robbers in Tulsa, OK. The two men held up 3 different pizza joints inside of two hours last Sunday. However, at the Papa Johns place, the one man came in the front door brandishing his pistol and the manager said, "we don't have any money, we were just robbed a few minutes ago". Apparently, the other man had come in the back and stuck them up just prior. This gives more credence than ever to the old adage, "the early bird gets the anchovies".
7. The "don't count (or eat) all your eggs" award to Dongyang, China. According to the Qianjiang Evening Post, every early spring, a foul odor fills the air of Dongyang, Zhejiang Province. Dongyang people call it “the smell of spring.” It’s actually the smell of urine. Dongyang people collect urine from school aged boys and boil eggs in it. They sell them at 1.50 yuan (23 cents) apiece. It sells like hot cakes. These delicacies apparently also have curative powers such as ridding one of fevers and serving as a "pick me up" if you're feeling tired. Thanks, but I think I'll just take a nap.
8. The "Michael Moore - it's not your money, it belongs to all us" award to Kensley Hawkins. Hawkins, 60, has saved $11,000 by working while incarcerated in a Joliet prison since the 1980s, making about $75 a month. The State of Illinois now says he owes them that money for the cost of his stay." On the plus side, after two more years of labor Hawkins will be eligible for a free night at any penitentiary of his choice (weekend nights excluded).
9. The "didn't they used to go to jail for this"? award to Senator Claire McCaskill (D) of Missouri. McCaskill owes nearly $300,000 in property taxes for a private plane she owns jointly with her husband. She also recently paid back $89,000 for improperly using campaign contributions for the plane expenses during her campaign. Citing her "unawareness" of tax and campaign rules for the "oversights" McCaskill has graciously decided to sell the "damn thing" to be rid of the problem. No charges have been brought at this time. Meanwhile, I. M. Tootrusting of Fair Play, Missouri has finished serving his 18 month sentence for $3500 of back taxes owed to the IRS. It's good to be the Senator.
Just in........ the word is that team Obama is experiencing dissension behind the scenes. In the most serious of several recent staff disagreements, the push to eliminate the Libyan dictator has been slowed by lack of accord on how to spell his name.
Obama himself is partial to Qaddafi, while the Secretary of Defense insists it is Khadafi. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton, the most erudite of the three was overheard to say in a staff meeting "no, you idiots, it's Gadhafi"!
However, to their credit, they agreed that due to the urgency of the recent escalation of the conflict, and to show a united front to the rest of the world, they would just refer to the dictator as "that evil guy in the desert that dresses real funny".
"The treatment of the players by the NFL owners amounts to modern day slavery".
This comment was made by Adrian Peterson, star running back of the Minnesota Vikings, after negotiations broke down between the owners and the players union. He will make 10 million dollars next year. Average salary of all NFL players - $1.8 million.
This blog test will be a multiple choice.
1. This is the most absurd statement since: a. "I feel your pain" b. "I'm from the government, I'm here to help you" c. "Mine will be a transparent administration" d. "This is a big f...ing deal" e. "We'll have to pass this bill to see what's in it"
2. I hate the NFL because: a. I'm against slavery b. No one should get $10 million just for running faster than me c. It's the cause of my first 3 divorces d. It's painful watching 350 pound men wear Capri pants e. It's obviously a rip-off of the mini-series "Roots"
3. I would like to become a slave because: a. I'd like to make $10 million a year b. I'd like to be "average" at my job and still make $1.8 million c. I'd like to make an additional $5 million in endorsements d. I'd like people to treat me like I'm a hero. e. I'd like to have 6 months a year off and still get paid $10 million
This is a self-graded test.
Correct answers below:
Question #1: a,b,c,d and e Question #2: a,b,c,d and e Question #3: a,b,c,d and e
Once again, lib think has struck a fatal blow against reason and common sense. Attorney General Eric Holder has ordered the Dayton, Ohio police and fire department to lower their standards for passing the civil servants test. Passing grade is now 58% on one section and 63% on another. The reason for all this; not enough blacks are passing the test thereby not filling the numbers required by the minority hiring laws. There are so many incongruities in this decision that it's hard to figure out where to start.
So, let's start with the obvious. It's just plain stupid. Here's a hypothetical. You are suddenly very sick and have to go to the emergency room. The attending physician appears to be unsure of himself. You ask the nurse what's wrong. She replies; "due to minimum minority hiring regulations, the medical licensing exam passing threshold was reduced. This doctor got a 58 and 63 on his tests. By the way, he's ready for your surgery now". Oh, and the doctor in this scenario is white. That's because if you lower standards to accommodate any minority, the number of unfit majority "graduates" will rise as well. Police and fire personnel are the last line of defense in protecting your property and on occasion, your life. Do you really care what color their skin is? Aren't we pretty much past that? Wouldn't you rather know that they were knowledgeable about their job?
And what ever happened to the Constitution? States rights? When did we start thinking it is OK for the federal government to come in and dictate local ordinances? This Dayton civil servants test is consistent with civil exams throughout the country. Don't look now, but have you noticed that since January 2009, the federal government's has assumed many powers that it was never intended to have? To be topical, it's a lot like a tsunami. You may feel personally unaffected now because that wave is still a mile away. But it will surely engulf you shortly if you don't act prudently right now.
In a real sense, this is just another facet of the liberal left's give away programs. The more your very existence depends on them the longer they will remain in power. Feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments is not in the equation. Their thinking: you can't be successful on your own, let us do it for you. But hey, the liberals are the intelligent and intellectual ones. How do we know this? They tell us everyday.
Why aren't blacks outraged and incensed by this? After decades of successfully fighting to get the same opportunities as everyone else, has it now come down to "just give it to us anyway"? I don't believe the majority of blacks think this is a good idea. After all, it's their neighborhoods that need protection too. In fact, the director of the Dayton NAACP, Derrick Foward, came out immediately to renounce this decision. He said, and I quote "The NAACP does not support individuals failing a test and then having the opportunity to be gainfully employed". For his efforts, he was hushed by the national chairman of the NAACP who took the opposite position. I doubt very much that you will ever hear from Mr. Foward again. They're probably measuring his cement shoes as I write this.
And what about the double standard in the media? If this edict had emanated from the Bush administration, the press would be howling about their insensitivity and callous racism for putting down blacks in America. You know it and I know it.
Apparently the Obama administration's attack on American exceptionalism knows no bounds. If I may paraphrase a famous quote by Winston Churchill, "the inherent vice of free enterprise and competition is an unequal sharing of wealth and greatness; the inherent virtue of socialistic spread-it-around policy is an equal sharing of mediocrity and misery. Yes, you've heard me use this before. Get used to it.
Having suffered through my pathetic humor the past couple of blogs I know your ready to go back to the usual format. And nothing could be more serious than the recent events in Japan. Another devastating earthquake and Tsunami has ravaged that part of the world. I have many thoughts about all this. Here are some of them:
First, once again the United States shows its true mettle by offering and providing any and all aid it possibly can. To Obama's credit, he was quick to offer this as he should have been. I only hope he realizes that this is the America that he represents and not the one he goes around apologizing for. I would like to see him talk about this during his next overseas trip instead of what bad world citizens we have been. Be it earthquakes, floods, landslides whatever, America is always the firstest with the mostest to any spot on the globe.
Secondly, as Japan starts the onerous task of rescue, rebuilding and mourning its dead, I hope the global warming crowd will observe some decorum during this time. I know as sure as the sun coming up tomorrow that they will eventually place the blame for this earthquake on man made global warming. Wait, that's only partly true, I'm not really sure the sun will come up tomorrow.
Of course, there will be the inevitable hue and cry about the dangers of nuclear energy. The same bunch that criminalizes big oil and dirty coal will have a heyday over this. The very same energy sources that have heated, cooled and transported millions upon millions for the last 125 years are now the bane of man's existence, according to them. Of course there are dangers with nuclear energy, as there are with all energy sources. Certainly the Japanese, above all other nations, would have the most reservations about the effects of a nuclear accident. But they see the advantages of taking that risk. If and when solar and wind become viable economical sources of energy, people will die providing those too. All occupations have hazards.
Living near water and over fault zones is risky. The rewards are fantastic. The beauty of oceans and mountains beckons us all. But the earth is master over us, not we over it. If it wants to reclaim or release its dominion it will do so as if we didn't even exist. This is the speculative nature of living in these areas. The people of California know this, but I doubt that this tragedy will cause any of them to leave.
Please don't think for a minute that I have no feeling of loss over this horrific event. It is a terrible human toll that I, as well as you, cannot help but feel very sad about. But my pragmatic self knows that we will recover from it, learn from it and go on with life. A life that is as fragile as it is precious.
OK, don't say you didn't ask for it. You want happy....you got it. This one's dedicated to "Gabby".
A woman had a hobby of doing ceramics. She created some beautiful pieces and was a master at the pottery wheel. Her pieces sold at shows all around the area.
Her husband was jealous. He hardly ever saw her and had to make all his own meals. Deciding that there must be something to this ceramic stuff, he went out to her "barn" and started dabbling with the clay and the wheel. To his surprise, he really enjoyed it.
Before long he was addicted. He just couldn't get enough. He would spend hours, nay, days at a time working on his projects. Taking only time for nature calls and an occasional meal, he worked incessantly. He never took time to shower or shave or get a haircut...nothing that would take him away from his new passion. He was almost unrecognizable.
One day, when they were both working their ceramic wonders, a friend of the wife came by. She was amazed to see this strange looking man working with the wife. Unable to restrain herself, she finally asked the wife "is that your husband"?
To which the wife replied, "no, that's Hairy Potter".
One of my faithful readers has noted that my blogs have been on the morose side lately. I guess it's kinda like the evening news, 55 minutes of bad news to make the sponsors happy and then a fluff story to end it all.
Well, just call me "fluffy". In that spirit, I hereby dedicate this story to Bee.
A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be adjusted.
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano repairman in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to fix his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job calibrating the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a few years the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job. I have retired."
"I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come back and work on my piano." Again Earl refused and told him to get someone else.
Crushed, the man hired someone else, but the piano never produced such beautiful sounds again.
The moral to the story: Opporknockity only tunes once.
You just can't make this stuff up! Our esteemed Senate Majority leader Harry Reid, who never met an earmark he didn't like, spoke in Congress and gave an unassailable reason why we can't cut anything from the budget for the National Endowment of the Arts. It's the Cowboy Poetry Festival held every year in his northern Nevada. I know I speak for most Americans when I say that you can have your operas, ballets and art museums......just give me good ole cowboy poetry every time!
And you know I'm not one to stand on the sidelines when a patriot like Harry Reid needs me. In the spirit of the fairness doctrine, I submit the following to convince those dastardly Republicans that you just can't put a price on cowboy poetry!
Bust that bronc and ride that steer, Is that a horn stuck in my rear? Don't matter none, I'm full of sass I can take pain in my ass.
My testosterone is flowin now, I think I'll rope and brand a cow. And then I'll mend a fence or two, And fart a lot like cowboys do.
But who's that cowboy on the range? He sure does look a little strange. Don't quite know what I should think, It looks like he's all dressed in pink.
Is that a ribbon on his hat? I guess we'd better have a chat. He should know a cowboy's tough, And we don't cotton to that fluff.
That recent "Brokeback Mountain" flick, Has set a trend taint worth a lick. Oh, how I long for days of yore, When every cowboy had a whore.
But now since western times have changed, The image has been rearranged. We're no longer kickin butt, Cause we're stuck in this rhymin rut!
No need to thank me Harry. Just keep on giving me blog material.
Talk about a windfall! Michael Moore has ponied up folks. The Sultan of Sweat has declared that the wealthy of this country do not really own their money, it belongs to all of us! I'm assuming he's going to put his money where his pizza is and distribute all his wealth to the unclean among us. I'm posting this because if you don't get a check within the week, you should send inquiries to MichaelMoore.com. Leave you name and mailing address so they can get your check to the right person. What a guy!
The above headline refers to the fact that scientists have discovered that microbial life existed on a meteorite that fell to earth years ago. By the miracle of "microscience" they were able to find fossilized evidence of a particular bacterium that almost exactly matches one that is found here on earth. This, they say, is proof that life exists beyond our solar system.
That's right folks, taking this discovery to it's logical conclusion, some ET alien may be blogging as you read this. OK, let's get the alien jokes out of the way before we proceed. Q. How do you tell the difference between Big Al and an alien blogger? A. The alien will be the good looking one. Q. What do you get when you cross an alien blogger with Big Al? A. The only highly evolved alien with a feeble mind. Q. Why did the alien blogger cross the Universe? A. To see if intelligent life existed on earth. He returned with Big Al's blogs as proof that it doesn't.
The point is, I've believed for years that we are not alone. And certainly not because I have any scientific insight that no one else has. In fact, I have no scientific insight. What I have is common sense. Here are my reasons: (creationists may want to skip this part)
1. We would have to be totally ignorant (not to mention arrogant) to look out at the vastness of the heavens and declare "nope, it's just us".
2. Why, with the billions of stars and planets in each of the billions of galaxies, would life only have evolved on this one little speck called earth?
3. Why would we expect the life forms to resemble in any way what we look like? Have you seen an octopus lately? It should look alien to us.
4. If the universe is 12 to 14 billion years old as it appears to be, does it make sense that life forms only evolved in the last billion or so years? What a waste of time!
5. Evolutionists may cringe, but the elements needed for life as it evolved on earth may not be necessary for life elsewhere.
6. There are hundreds of examples of unexplained phenomenon on earth with no earthly explanation.
7. No one can prove beyond a doubt that there is no life out there. This meteorite proves that there is.
I leave you with this observation to give you pause: Nanu Nanu.
Seizing on the recent report by National Geographic that a small nuclear war would reverse global warming and seeking validation for his many postulations on the subject, Algore has announced his plans for a new documentary called "An Inconvenient Detonation".
According to the report published in National Geographic, experts state that even a regional conflagration would produce unprecedented global cooling. Data shows that after a regional conflict, say between India and Pakistan, the temperatures around the earth would cool 2.5 to 3 degrees Fahrenheit each year for the next 3 or 4 years. Of course, if it happened between two superpowers the cooling results would accelerate to the tune of 7.5 degrees Fahrenheit per year.
Gore was forced to come clean when he was recently photographed at Los Alamos trying to procure some enriched uranium and heavy water. In a news conference attended only by Gore's most ardent supporters. i.e. the environmentalist wackos, Al explained that "Detonation" would be a real time documentary. His plans are to have a nuclear device set off at an undisclosed location and blame it on some right wing nutjob who has been unduly affected by all the conservative rhetoric. The knee jerk reaction by other nuclear armed countries would then provide the necessary "nuclear winter" that would reverse the reviled man made global warming trend. Al plans to have camera crews, also equipped with thermometers, stationed around the world filming the event in real time and recording the cooling effects.
While most critics agreed that this is surefire Oscar material, one posed the possibility that Hollywood might no longer exist. To which Gore replied; "There's always Oslo and the Nobel".
In related news, upon hearing of Algore's plans, Michael Moore is reportedly moving up the production date of his new documentary, "Fahrenheit 7.5".
I can't believe it. We've almost made it through another painful movie awards season with all it's gratuitous self-aggrandizement. As all the hollow praise subsides let's review what we have been through. We have been subjected to the Critics Choice Awards, The Peoples Choice Awards, The Golden Globes, The Screen Actors Guild Awards, The MTV Movie Awards, The Independent Films Awards, and finally, the Oscars. And that's only the ones I can remember. If you count BAFTA (England) and Cannes Film Festival (France) you see there are nearly 10 award galas for just one profession. It should be pointed out that the same stars and movies usually win at each show.
How many other professions can you name that have 10 different awards ceremonies to honor the best and the brightest? How many even have more than one? TV (Emmys), Broadway (Tonys), Music (Grammys) only have one show. OK, country music has it's own awards but it is distinctly different. Education, medicine, law, architecture, etc.etc.etc. all have pretty low profile yearly awards. Many are done on a local basis but if it's national it is not only relatively rare, but quite subdued in comparison. Even sports, with all its massive egos doesn't gather for self praise on multiple occasions.
And when did the pompous entrance of the narcissistic guests to these affairs become a TV show in itself? There are actually people making wads of money just for critiquing the dresses the starlets wear. There even may be a major for that in colleges now, I don't know. Sad to say, but that's the best part of the evening. Once the show starts, it's boring, embarrassing, awkward and excruciatingly long. The same people who are patting each other on the back will be at each others throats the next day.
What I would like to see is more realistic award categories. No one cares about the best set designer, choreographer, wardrobe designer, screenplay writer and so on. Sure, these are talented people, but what I want are categories that reveal the real Hollywood. Like maybe these for example:
Best performance while high on crack cocaine
Best performance during a mug shot
Best performance in a real courtroom.
Best performance from a jail cell.
Best performance while on probation.
Best performance while going through a divorce.
Best supporting performance by a concubine.
Best performance during a DUI stop.
Best performance during a custody hearing.
Best supporting performance by an enabler
Best new addiction
Best performance from a rehab center.
Best performance while abusing a spouse.
Best performance while attending an anti-Tea Party rally.
Best supporting role defending a foreign dictator.
Best performance foisting a political view on a captive audience.
In a startling announcement, the scientific community has revealed that there are possibly billions more black holes than ever before imagined. For those of you who still aren't sure what a black hole is; consider this definition from Encarta dictionary:
1. object in space:an area in space with such a strong gravitational pull that no matter or energy can escape from it. Black holes are believed to form when stars collapse in on themselves.
2. place where things get lost: a place or thing into which objects disappear and are not expected to be seen again.
It is this latter definition that scientists lean on when referring to their recent discovery. When asked by reporters if they had given a name to this newly disclosed phenomenon the committee replied: "Yes, we call it purses." When queried further to explain this technical term the spokesman, looking rather incredulous, elaborated saying "pocketbooks, handbags, shoulder bags... call them what you want!" That's right, verifying what most men have long suspected, common womens purses are now officially a part of the scientific lexicon of the unexplainable. It comes as no surprise to most husbands, or men in general for that matter, that even the most erudite among us cannot completely grasp the chaos that is these seemingly indispensable devices carried around by every one of the other gender. For the most part, we have been very content to not know. The mystery surrounding the contents of purses, while occasionally piquing our curiosity, is at the same time threatening and best left unexplored.
Who among us hasn't frozen at the command "check my purse, I'm sure it's in there." Aside from the frustration of trying to find something in there, we all imagine being skewered by some grooming device with sharp points. And what if there is a varmint living in the bottom of the bag? With the daily accumulation of so many articles who could possibly know what lurks in the abyss?
But why now, after centuries of everyone ignoring this rather mundane item, has it become such a wonderment? Simple. The cellphone. It's only since the advent of the cellphone that the comparison to a black hole has taken on such significance. Here's the scenario: the cellphone rings; everyone hears it; everyone knows it is in the purse. Will the owner find it in time? Probably not. I would rate the odds at 100 to 1 that it will be a "missed call". Not only will they not get it in time but they won't find the phone at all. Life is suspended while the inevitable search is executed. It's such a pathetic sight because almost every new purse now has a specially accessible pocket just for the cellphone. But somehow it just doesn't seem to want to stay in there. We won't go into the reasons.
While nothing has changed and this ritual of pocketbook combat will invariably continue down through the ages, it gives some comfort to know that science has at least given it credence. That gives me solace for the next time I am asked to search my wife's purse, or as I like to refer to it, the "Event Horizon."
1. The " ads you won't see at the Super Bowl" award to Hacienda restaurants in South Bend, IN for the above billboard which refers to the mass suicide of 900 followers of Jim Jones in Guyana in 1978. The restaurant was forced to remove the billboard because of so many complaints by offended citizens. In a statement that is sure to be nominated for "spin" of the year, the VP of Marketing said "while we want to be noticed, we don't want to be too controversial or edgy. We don't want to be viewed negatively in the local area". Maybe a special "Branch Davidians eat free" night would smooth things over.
2. The "rob like an Egyptian" award to the man in Pittsburgh who robbed a convenience store dressed like a mummy. Police put out the following "wanted" description: male, between 5'7" and 5'9" tall and 140-150 lbs, missing several teeth and may answer to the name of "Tut".
3. The "I just thought he was a sound sleeper" award to Patrick Lara of Merced, CA (where else?). Lara kept his uncle's dead body in the house for 30 days while he used his bank and credit accounts to gamble. Lara says the uncle allegedly died of an untreated broken arm (you can't make this stuff up). The smell of the decaying body caused Patrick to turn on the swamp cooler, which weakened the roof, which caved in. That caused mold to grow on the corpse. Charges are pending. Homicide is definitely in play but only because sheer stupidity is not a capital offense.
4. The "poster child for PETA" award to the elderly woman in Long Island who harbored well over 100 animals in her house. Not to be outdone by the aforementioned Patrick Lara, the woman had kept scores of dead animals around her living quarters. Included in the tally of "lucky to be alive" animals were ducks, rabbits, mice, pigeons, chinchillas, dogs, cats, goats, a pig, and a cow, all undernourished and filthy. In one of the most incredible politically correct statements of this or any other year, authorities said the woman, and I quote, "could face animal cruelty charges". To which I respond, "does the Pope wear a funny hat?"
5. The "taking food fights to a whole new level" award to Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida. Howard went on a rage and severely beat and bit her roommate Jasmin Wanke because Wanke had eaten her box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies. And you thought you were addicted to those! Did I mentioned that Howard weighs in at 400 pounds? Apparently, Howard had consumed the rest of the truckload of thin mints herself.
6. The "it's all downhill from here" award to Roland Fleck, a retired 78 year-old doctor. Roland was arrested at a ski resort in Jackson, Wyoming for skiing uphill. When he refused to stop he was handcuffed and led away on a toboggan. Resort officials said avalanche dangers and snow making machines created a hazard for the skier. He was jailed on charges of trespass and unsafe skiing. Unsafe skiing? Isn't that redundant?
7. The "even your best friends won't tell you" award to the man in Beijing, China who has had a 4 inch knife blade stuck in his head for 4 years. The man had been robbed and stabbed back then, but unbeknown to him or his family, a part of the knife blade had broken off and stuck in his skull by his right jaw. Noting that he had been having severe headaches, difficulty breathing and halitosis all those years, the man finally went in for x-rays and voila! Doctors removed the blade but cautioned the man that he will never again be as sharp as he was before the operation.
If so, please contact "Crazy Muammar" at Gaddafi Motor Sales, 123 Main St. Tripoli, Libya. Owner is relocating and government fleet is available. His prices are insane!. Most cars available with 4" armor plating. All sales are final.
Now I've never really been witness to an actual train wreck, except for what I've seen in the movies. It looks like a pretty violent and awesome spectacle. I guess if I did see one happening for real I would have a hard time turning away. But fortunately I don't have to wait for a real one, I can just watch the Hollywood portion of the nightly news. There, I can watch two personalities acting out their very own version of an inevitable collision course with death.
Of course, I'm talking about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen. These two self-loathing Malibu types are providing a real life drama far more interesting than any characters they have portrayed on the silver screen. It's really quite incredible how they are throwing away second, third and fourth chances to get their lives back.But it's fascinating viewing isn't it?
For Lohan, it appears to be a case of just not getting it. It's as if she really believes the rules are for everyone else but not for her. She barely gets out of court from one charge when she's hauled in on another. She shows remorse but it's the "sorry I got caught" type of remorse. Where are the family and friends who should be helping this woman with reality? Probably where most Hollywood type family and friends are; always by your side when the times are good and AWOL when it turns sour. But they'll be the first to say how they "tried".
With Sheen, it's just a flat out death wish. He knows what he is doing is destructive but he doesn't really care. Give him credit for one thing, he's a good goal setter. His goal is obviously to have as much fun with drugs and sex as he possibly can in what will be a short life. His current "rehab", a four week stint at home, is a joke. Just a few days ago, he was begging CBS (a first class enabler, by the way) to start up his hit TV show again. His reasoning: and I quote, "It's like, I heal really quickly. But I unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys," Now that's what I call a great rehab. Of course, the $1.5 million per episode can buy a lot of drugs and prostitutes too, so there's that.
I could wax eloquent on the perils too much money, too much early fame and on down the list. But the truth is many actors survive Hollywood without all the "woe is me" theatrics. In fact, they use their fortunate wealth and fame as a reason to help deserving causes around the world. No, this is just another example of the epidemic of losers who can't or won't take personal responsibility for what happens in their lives. It's just not their fault.
We'll see the headlines and we'll be shocked. We'll ask, how could this have happened right in front of us? But that will just be a way to assuage our guilt at not being able to turn away from these runaway locomotives.
It was going to be a typical day of babysitting my 7 year-old granddaughter Cece. She was coming over so her parents and sister could go shopping. I expected the usual games to pass the time: First, "Waitress" Cece, complete with computer designed menu and serving a pretend meal. Then it would be "Doctor Cece", checking my blood pressure, listening to my heart and telling me I needed to lose weight. She just loves that part! Then it would be playing keep away with Queenie our Labrador. Queenie, by the way, never thinks for a minute that we are quick enough to keep that rubber bone from her gaping jaws and she's right. So, I figured, piece of cake babysitting job, right?
That was all before Cece discovered the "make a Gingerbread House" kit that my wife had purchased for a Christmas gift but never used. Drat, I thought I had hidden that where even Cece's keen radar would never find it. But, alas, out she came with the biggest smile you ever saw, mostly because of all the bags of candy that were with it to be put on the house. With great trepidation I unwrapped the package and started reading the directions. I was sure I would conquer this craft and be a hero in her eyes.
Sure enough it looked like a no brainer! I wondered for a minute how this kit creator knew that I had no brain. Anyway, the directions were simple and it even had a fixture to set the ginger bread pieces in to start the build. And the icing was provided that would act like glue and hold it all together. You're thinking to yourself, no one could mess this up. You'd be wrong.
Looking over all the pieces representing the walls and roof, we began assembling the house when I discovered that the manufacturer had made a grievous error. The side walls were too long and wouldn't fit into the fixture. How could this happen? Didn't they know this poor child would be terribly disappointed at their carelessness? Going immediately into rescue mode I summoned all my powers of invention and decided to just cut the walls down until they fit into the fixture correctly. Cece was amazed at my genius. About the time I got that done was when I realized that I hadn't been dealing with the walls at all, but rather the roof parts. Oops. Now I had no choice but to make the remaining wall parts into a roof. By this time, Cece's look of amazement had changed to something more quizzical . I'm not really sure what she was thinking but the expression had kind of a "I've put my life in the hands an idiot" look to it.
My solution was to add extra icing, lots of extra icing, to make up for what was going to be the gaps in the roof. To make a long story short (I know, too late), we got the house assembled long enough for Cece to put some candy decorations on it. Shortly after that, it came crashing down like a California cliff side dwelling.
To every story, there is a moral. In this case: "never send a grandpa to do a grandma's job"! Not one to waste a valuable lesson, I'm now taking an online course titled " Everything you've always wanted to know about Barbies". I'll be ready next time.
Seniors of the world beware! There is a new language being spoken right under your noses. Parents have finally broken the code and now it's your turn. If you ever hope to communicate with the younger generation, there's a good article on this website http://apnews.myway.com/article/20110208/D9L8T17G0.html that will get you started on how to text and tweet with the best of them.
Y? B/C kids speak this language 24/7 365 and b4 u know it all 411 B/W ppl will be thru this medium. Pls take this advice re T&T if u want to know sup, K? U2 can be hip B/C u will know the answers to all the FAQs. I realize that not just NE1 can learn this without probs but it's worth it if u don't want 2 sound like a 4NR. I'm sure 1C u get the hang of it ul b GR8.
If u have any ?s just txt me or IM me ur email address and I'll answer. U won't have to W8 long. I promise that L8R ul send me ur THX because u2 will be able to MSG on twitter.
2.The "my office is always open" award to an insurance agent in Tampa, Fl. One of his clients was driving along, suddenly swerved off the road, jumped the curb and crashed into the building where her insurance agent was working. The woman client, who was uninjured, was heard to say after the accident, "Could you take care of this claim right away? I'm late for Pilates".
3.The "You can never get a taxi in this damn town" award to the 26-year-old man who was arrested in San Pablo, Calif. and accused of stealing a taxi after tricking the driver into momentarily exiting the cab. The man then drove to a Department of Motor Vehicles office, where he attempted to register ownership of the car. Guess he just got tired of trying to flag one down.
4. The "You should have seen the one that got away" award to the ice fishermen in Minnesota. While ice fishing through the hole they snagged "the biggest one they ever saw", but it turned out to be a scuba diver who had been diving with 2 friends and had entered the lake through a hole further down the ice. I hate it when that happens, don't you?
5. The "Sorry I missed your call honey, my phone was on charge" award to Cody Wilkins of Silver Spring, MD who, while burglarizing a house, was surprised by the homeowner and jumped out a window to flee the scene. Only problem was, he left his cell phone which he had plugged into a wall outlet to charge while he was busy stealing. Of course, the police tracked him down and he is now charged with other burglaries in the area. It just goes to prove that old adage "you can't take it with you" (at least not while it's charging).
6. The "This is why the government is trying to ban smoking in your own home" award to the tenants in Portland, OR who started a house fire when they began using a hole in the floor as an ashtray. The fire caused $30,000.00 in damage. The tenants refused to comment to reporters, claiming they were late for a Mensa meeting downtown.
7. The "I was only kidding, can't you take a joke"? award to Robert Michelson of Connecticut who, not being right up to snuff on the drug laws, called 911 to ask how much trouble he could get into for growing one marijuana plant. When told he could be arrested he said thank you and hung up. Unfortunately for Robert, he had used his home phone. The police went to his residence and sure enough he had a marijuana plant. Apparently Robert had never heard the old proverb "it's easier to get forgiveness than permission".
8. Thieves in Malaysia stole 1.5 million dollars worth of condoms manufactured by a large Japanese firm. When questioned about the theft, the company said there were 725,000 condoms in the shipment. As an added note, investigative reporters later learned that the shipment was on it's way to a Charlie Sheen in Malibu, CA.
My thanks again to all the above folks who provide fodder for the "They did what"? blog series, proving yet again that truth is stranger than fiction.
Algore, busy in his office. One cannot help but wonder how much CO2 was emitted to make all the paper he has scattered around his office.
You've all heard the saying "everyone always complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it". Not our hero, Algore. Al has made doing something about the weather his own personal crusade. Notwithstanding his Oscars, Nobel prizes and myriad honorary degrees, Al has put his own personal life, including his marriage, on hold to save the rest of us from ourselves.
In a blog article relating to the recent large amounts of snow throughout the country, Al said: "As it turns out, the scientific community has been addressing this particular question for some time now and they say that increased heavy snowfalls are completely consistent with what they have been predicting as a consequence of man made global warming. In fact, scientists have been warning for at least two decades that global warming could make snowstorms more severe. Snow has two simple ingredients: cold and moisture. Warmer air collects moisture like a sponge until it hits a patch of cold air. When temperatures dip below freezing, a lot of moisture creates a lot of snow. A rise in global temperature can create all sorts of havoc, ranging from hotter dry spells to colder winters, along with increasingly violent storms, flooding, forest fires and loss of endangered species.”
I'm pretty slow on the uptake, but I finally tumbled to the fact that Al is not going to rest (nor let any of us rest) until the weather is perfect. In honor of that and the tremendous respect I have for the man, I post for your sing-along enjoyment, the following song tribute to Al for his tireless efforts. To be sung to the tune of "Camelot" (my profound apologies to Lerner and Loewe):
It's true! It's true! Algore has made it clear.
The climate must be perfect all the year.
Adecree was made by Algore long ago here:
July and August cannot be too hot.
And there's a legal limit to the snow here
In Al’s Camelot.
The winter is forbidden till December
And exits March the second on the dot.
By order, summer lingers through September
In Al’s Camelot.
Al's Camelot! Al's Camelot!
I know it sounds a bit bizarre,
But in Al’s Camelot, Al’s Camelot
That's how conditions are.
The rain may never fall till after sundown.
By eight, the morning fog must disappear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
For happily-ever-aftering than here
In Al’s Camelot.
Al’s Camelot! Al’s Camelot!
I know it gives a person pause,
But in Al’s Camelot, Al’s Camelot
Those are the legal laws.
The snow may never slush upon the hillside.
By nine p.m. the moonlight must appear.
In short, there's simply not
A more congenial spot
Meet Virginia representative Jim Moron...excuse me...Moran.
The year is still quite young but the esteemed democratic representative Mr. Moran has issued what will probably be the most idiotic statement out of Washington D.C. for some time to come. Wait a minute, what am I saying, this is DC we're talking about.
Anyway, following the President's SOTU speech last Tuesday Moran stated that "the reason the Democrats lost so heavily in November's elections was because voters don't want to be governed by an African-American." He went further saying; "It happened ... for the same reason the Civil War happened in the United States". "Southern states, particularly the slaveholding states, didn't want to see a president who was opposed to slavery.
"In this case a lot of people in this country, it's my belief, don't want to be governed by an African-American, particularly one who is inclusive, who is liberal, who wants to spend money on everyone and who wants to reach out to include everyone in our society. And that's a basic philosophical clash,"
Grab a chair, put the TIVO on record, and bring in refreshments because this is going to take a while. This statement is ludicrous on so many levels that it's hard to know where to begin.
Let's try by dissecting his statement. "voters don't want to be governed by an African-American". Was Mr. Moran visiting the planet Zenon in 2008? I think we elected an African-American if I'm not mistaken. I think it's safe to say that even those of us who didn't vote for Obama (because of ideological differences, by the way) felt a twinge of pride that America showed the rest of the world that we can put prejudices aside in a big way. So what does Obama do right away? He went around the world apologizing for our country. Not exactly uplifting was it? Did Mr. Moran also take a trip to the Klingon galaxy in November? Mr. Obama was not on the ballot. His policies however, were. Was Moran beating the anti African-American drum when Obama's approval rating was 70% and he was awarded a Nobel Peace prize just for showing up for work? The gist of the election result, Mr. Moran, was not that we don't want a President that is African-American, it was that we don't want a President who is a big government spendthrift.
His comparison of this political climate with the pre-Civil War climate is beyond the pale. In the first place, as he himself points out, the Civil War was an armed insurrection against a white president because he was sympathetic to the plight of African-Americans. The November elections were a constitutional vote against the policies of the President, not him personally. If Obama has any political ear at all he will moderate his positions as it appears he is starting to do. The November elections may have been the best thing that could have happened to him, vis-a-vis his bid for reelection in 2012.
His last utterance is so self-incriminating it is laughable. "Particularly one who is inclusive, who is liberal, who wants to spend money on everyone and who wants to reach out to include everyone in our society. And that's a basic philosophical clash," 1. Let's look at inclusive first. This whole country was built on being inclusive. We have citizens here from every country on earth. Our Universities and colleges matriculate a very high percentage of every race, creed and sexual preference that exists. We are so inclusive that there are an estimated 12 million undocumented aliens working and living in this country as I write this. Yes, we would prefer that they had taken the legal route to citizenship, but they are here nonetheless. 2. Wants to spend money on everyone. This paradoxical statement is astounding. Obama doesn't have any money to spend on everyone. Neither does the treasury. You do. The money he wants to spend is yours. Wouldn't you rather decide who you want to help with your money? Do you think Obama might be just a wee bit influenced to spend money on the people who might then vote for him in return? What if they're not the group you think needs the help? That's what the November election was about Mr. Moran. 3. Is liberal. Well, Mr. Moran, the last time I checked the history books, this country has and has had liberals and conservatives since its very founding. To say that we don't want an African-American President because he is liberal is the ultimate compliment to the Constitution. We elect and remove conservative and liberal presidents like salicylic acid removes warts. Mr. Obama is in good company, sir. 4. Include everyone in our society. Society: An extended social group having a distinctive cultural and economic organization; or: A formal association of people with similar interests. Taken literally, that means that Mr. Obama would like all 300 million of us to have the same interests and like it. Let me ask you this Mr. Moran: does everyone in your own family even have the same interests? I didn't think so. I thought the byword for liberals was diversity. Has that changed?
The most aggravating thing about this shallow statement by Moran is its obvious attempt to use race as reason to elect someone. If you follow his logic how can it be otherwise? Mr. Obama is an African-American. Voters don't want to be governed by an African-American. The only way to prove that we are not racist is to keep electing an African-American. They don't have to be good, they just have to be African-American. Let's take Moran's logic a step further with a hypothetical. Let's say that Sarah Palin defies all the odds (like Obama) and is elected President. Let's say that she is voted out in the following election. Do you think the liberals would say that we are a nation of misogynists? Would Mr. Moran say that voters just don't want to be governed by a woman? So you see, it's more a matter of your particular loyalties isn't it?
Adding insult to injury, Mr. Moran made these statements about America's perceived injustices to an Arab Cable Network. I guess the fact that the Arab world still oppresses women and stones them to death if they are raped or won't agree to an arranged marriage has escaped Mr. Moran. But he wants Arabs to know we're baddies because he thinks we don't want to be governed by an African-American....oh wait, we are governed by an African-American aren't we? There's that annoying little fact again.
Well, I could go on and on about this but would most certainly be repeating myself. I'll leave you with this ironic note. In the same published article and on the same page with Mr. Moran's comments, was this recent poll by Real Clear Politics:
You'll note that the approval numbers for Obama, the African-American President, are positive 7.1%. The numbers for "is this country going in the right direction" i.e., his policies, are negative 23.5 %. Perhaps Mr. Moran should have read this before he made his asinine statement.
Americans are very forgiving people...to a fault actually. We've all made mistakes and had to correct ourselves. We just naturally have sympathy and empathy for those unfortunates who have a very high profile and say something they regret or have to recant. All we ask is that you own up to what you have done. If you lied, tell us, we'll probably give you another chance before we classify you as a habitue of prevarication.
Having said this, why is it that whenever a public figure gets caught in an outright lie they want us to believe that they just "misspoke". Or worse yet, they insult our intelligence that we just "took it out of context". Come on folks, I may have been born at night, but it wasn't last night! So, to help these these misguided pundits, I hereby post the definitions of two words from two different online dictionaries.
Lie: verb; 1. tell an untruth; pretend with intent to deceive.
2. to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive.
Misspeak: verb; 1. pronounce a word incorrectly.
2. to speak (as a word) incorrectly.
The most recent example of this (and it happens in both liberal and conservative camps) is celebrity journalist Mike Evans. As part of an interview about his "on the road with Mike Evans" show he said he spoke with the Governor of Hawaii about the lack of a birth certificate for Obama when in fact he spoke only with the hospital. He lied. He did not mispronounce the Governor's name. He didn't confuse "Governor Abercrombie" with the word "hospital". He didn't misspeak, he lied. Now he is all apologetic and "embarrassed" that we, the unclean and ignorant, may have gotten the impression that he spoke directly with the Governor about it. Well, duh, that's what you said!
This is only the most recent of so many examples of this from all walks of life; from sports to politics to news reporting. It's classic backtracking after you have been caught in an untruth. Blame it on the people that heard it, not yourself. Aren't you tired of people saying they're sorry "if" they were misunderstood, when you know they were trying to get away with it?
And apologies these days are a joke unto themselves. Can anyone actually say anymore, "I offended or hurt you and I am sorry to you personally"? It doesn't seem so. It's always "I regret if anyone might have taken offense at my remark". Wow, talk about humble pie! I think what they're saying is that it's a real shame that we are so stupid that we don't see the wisdom of what they said and are so sensitive that we just couldn't see that the insult was intended to help us become better people. And some of us are so dumb we don't even know if it was offensive or who among us is offended!
Well, anyway, if you don't see that this is one of the most insightful posts ever, then you're not as intelligent as I thought. Oh, and I regret it if any of you might have found that previous sentence offensive.
I can't believe how bad it's getting. The number of prompts that a typical phone call requires from these automated answering devices is now astronomical. You need a half an hour and a course in memory enhancement to navigate it all. I'm sure you've all experienced this in just trying to reach an agent for help with some problem you're having with their product.
Let me show you how a call I made the other day went:
"Welcome, thank you for calling the White House. This call may be monitored for purposes of quality control and/or retribution. Main menu: For Spanish press 1, for French press 2, for German press 3, for Russian press 4, for Chinese press 5, for Japanese press 6, for Farsi press 7, for Kenyan press 8, for English press 9. Press 0 if all of these languages are Greek to you."
So I pressed 9. "If you are calling because you are dissatisfied with the Obamacare plan, press 1 (caution: the hold time for this selection is 427 days). If you are calling because you are upset with the stimulus plan, press 2 (wait time 317 days). If you are calling because you disagree with the administration's immigration policies, press 3 (wait time 235 days). If you are calling for any other reason, press 4 and you will be transferred immediately."
So I pressed 4. "If you are calling to donate money to President Obama's reelection campaign, press 1. If you are calling to volunteer for his election campaign staff, press 2. If you are calling to set up a fund-raising dinner, press 3. If you are not calling to donate, volunteer or fund-raise, press 4."
So I pressed 4. "If you are a foreign dignitary looking for an apology, press 1. If you would like to rent the Lincoln bedroom for a night, press 2. If you are an expert at creating authentic looking documents, such as birth certificates, by all means, press 3. If you are a conservative, we're sorry but the President is on vacation again, please press 4 to return to the main menu or press 5 to be transferred to Nancy Pelosi.
The "mouse that roared" award to a man jailed in Nassau County, New York. A judge ruled that the man may sue the county, claiming that a rat bit him on the penis while he was in his cell. The man has had to undergo a serious of painful rabies shots. The county is defending itself saying that there is no rodent infestation in its jail. The defense attorney for the county remarked in an impromptu news conference outside the courthouse " we are also investigating the possibility that the plaintiff was romantically involved with Lorena Bobbitt."
The "all in the name of art"award to German sculptor Marcel Walldorf.According to Breitbart News "A prize-winning lifelike sculpture of a squatting policewoman urinating has whipped up a storm of protest in Germany, where it went on prominent display last week. It depicts a young female police officer in full riot gear crouching to pee, with exposed buttocks and a small gelatin "puddle" affixed to the floor of the gallery at the Academy of Fine Arts in Dresden, eastern Germany." The sculpture is titled "Petra." The artist dismisses the uproar as a bunch of ignorant people who don't appreciate art depicting our culture. Rumor among the artistic elite has it that her next great work will be titled "Fireman with Diarrhea"
The "man bites dog" award to the hunter in Belarus, Russia. A wounded fox shot its would be killer in Belarus by pulling the trigger on the hunter's gun as the pair scuffled after the man tried to finish the animal off with the butt of the rifle. This incident ended when the fox eventually escaped and the man went to the hospital to be treated for a leg wound. There is apparently no truth to the report that the fox was heard to utter "Tally Ho" as it limped off into the woods.
The "we're from the government, we're here to help you"awardto the City of Detroit. Besides mailing out 60,000 real estate tax bills with the wrong tax rate, the city of Detroit also sent two tax bills to some families while others received none at all. Seizing on this unfortunate oversight, the Obama administration is now investigating this as a possible new approach to its "spread the wealth" program. A spokesman for Timothy Geithner, Treasury Secretary, hypothesized that the department is looking into those families making over $250,000 paying everyone else's taxes as well as their own.
The "here's one immigrant that ain't sneakin by us"awardto the U.S. Immigration Service. According to Britain's paper The Telegraph, a 9 year old boy has been denied a Visa to visit the U.S. to collect on a surprise trip to Disney World bought for him by his grandparents. The boy lives in England but has a South African passport. The U.S. immigration agency claims the boy has no real permanent domicile and is a threat to stay in the U. S. after his Visa expires. In related news, the Department of Homeland Security has released figures that another 77,000 undocumented Mexican children have crossed the border into the U.S. this month.
The "best misuse of bank bailout money" award to LaSalle and Cenlar Federal Savings Bank in Philadelphia. The bank, in what has to be its finest humanitarian moment, told an 85 year old mortgagee that if she paid a $5800.00 fee, they would forgive the fact that she missed the final $432 payment on her 30 year mortgage. The woman, who was hospitalized at the time she missed her last ever payment on the mortgage, is suing the bank for foreclosing in lieu of the $5800 payment. What's even worse, the original judge on the case threw her suit out! The appeals court has overruled and allowed the suit to continue.
The "one flew over the chicken coop"award to the scientists in England who have created a genetically modified "superchicken" which doesn't spread deadly bird flu. Hailing this as a breakthrough in protecting humans and millions of other birds from this ravaging disease, the biologists stated it is 'inconceivable' that its meat or eggs could be harmful. It should be noted however, that since this "superchicken" was conceived from another live chicken embryo, it does not answer the age old question of "which came first?" Scientists have also revealed that this new "superchicken" has an uncontrollable urge to cross the road. They say they don't know why.
Due to the recently discovered changes in the earth's rotation, this is your new revised horoscope for today:
You will be confused by the issuance of the new horoscope date ranges.
You will go to Wikipedia and look up the word Ophiuchus.
Your moon will be in the 7th house of Sagittarius ..wait..no it's the 4th condo of Pisces....no the 3rd villa of Taurus....no, no, now I remember, it's the 4th apartment on the left just past Ursa Major, you can't miss it.
You will meet the perfect man tonight and say to him "so what's your sign?" He will not know it.
You will come into a great deal of money......oops, that was your previous sign......you will lose a great deal of money.
Your prospects for a job are enhanced. There will be many openings for new horoscope calendar salespeople.
Do not sign any important documents while Mercury is rising. Keep a thermometer with you until you see it dropping.
Do not drive today. The new star alignment indicates that your carburetor needs cleaning. Didn't we talk about this when you were a Libra?
Dateline: December 2011 ---- Mass pardon granted by President Obama! After an exhaustive investigation, during which the entire incarcerated population of mass murderers in U.S. was interviewed, pardons have been granted to nearly all of them. The criterion for release was merely a straightforward question to the convicted felons, to wit: "Did you ever, prior to committing the crime for which you are now serving sentence, listen to or read any statements made by Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin or any Fox News commentator?" An astonishing 99.99% admitted that they had. It should be noted that "I'm not sure, maybe!" was considered an affirmative response. Since the overwhelming success this year of the "political rhetoric" defense in courtrooms across the land, Obama mused "it's obvious that these convictions were in error." One prisoner, who was pretty much incoherent, but did manage to say he was a fan of MSNBC, was not pardoned but instead transferred to a mental hospital to serve out his sentence.
Dateline: July 2036 ----- At long last, the remaining vestiges of Conservatism have been expunged from history books. This arduous task, taken on in the spirit of volunteerism by the staff of Moveon.org, was finally completed this month. To avoid any claims of revisionist history, not all names of conservative leaders have been stricken, but any reference to them has to be followed by the words "the capitalist pig." In keeping with this new manifesto, the aircraft carriers USS Ronald Reagan, USS George H. W. Bush and USS Dwight D. Eisenhower have been renamed USS Michael Moore, USS Vladimir Lenin and USS Rahm Emanuel, respectively.
Dateline: August 2068 ---- It's official, global warming has been eradicated! After decades of selfless dedication Al Gore, the 120-year old former Vice-President, can rest easy. Through his diligent efforts at convincing the country, nay, the world, that self-deprivation was the only way to combat this human caused blight, the victory was achieved. The last moment of any temperatures recorded above zero anywhere on earth was in July 2065 in Mozambique where it reached a balmy 2 degrees. In his statement, Gore regaled the effort as "worth every tireless moment and 927 quadrillion CO2 emissions that I have spent addressing it." In a moment of unbridled nostalgia Gore, barely audible at his advanced age, whispered "remember when we use to drive around in those gol darn polluting machines, you know, those whatchamacallits, at which point he was whisked away in his horse and sleigh to attend bingo night at the home. In related news, the National Geographic Special, "Ice Skating the Amazon" has been rescheduled for Friday at 9:00PM on the NGEO channel.
Dateline: June 2084 ----- No homicides in last 73 years! It has been 73 years since the Constitution was declared null and void and conservative political speech was banned outright. Noting the obvious correlation, U.S. President Pedro Gonzalez stated that since right wing commentators were removed from the airways, the country has a zero murder rate. It was thought that a murder had occurred in 2059 but it turned out to be justifiable homicide since the victim was an avowed member of the Republican underground. Democratic President-for-life Gonzalez, who was born and raised in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico and is working on becoming an American citizen, applauded the efforts of everyone involved in this amazing statistic. He elaborated, saying "I would like especially to thank all the parents, both #1s and #2s, for their diligence in making sure their children were instilled with Utopian ideals and became a contributing part of the commune. Remember, it takes a village."