Thursday, December 30, 2010
This just in....the watchdog group "Society Overseeing Blogs" has just announced that the blog "Cvillean" has received it's award for worst new blog of 2010. The group, called SOB for short, has deemed the blog to be totally unworthy of reading and an affront to literates the world over. Furthermore, that same SOB organization is lobbying congress to have the blog pulled from the internet as soon as they take it over.
In a statement released at the award presentation, a SOB spokesman said " this right-leaning blog is nothing short of an attempt to influence its readers against the United Socialists States of....er....uh.........that is..... I mean, the United States of America and the current administration. We, as leaders of the many SOBs in this country, will never stand idly by and allow Americans access to this kind of tripe. It's author, Big Al, if that's his real name, would have you believe it is just an opposing viewpoint but believe us, it's hogwash!"
A reporter covering the event asked the question "won't this award bring added attention to the blog and maybe even increase its readership?" To which the SOB replied: "Hah! If it doubled his readership it would still only be up to 6."
For his part, Big Al commented that he was quite honored by the award. "Up to now, I'd never won anything in my life", he opined, "now a Pulitzer doesn't seem like such a distant dream. The SOB has awakened in me a new awareness. That is, I can offend the left and actually get an award for it! To borrow a phrase, it just don't get no better than this (sic)."
As he headed off for a well deserved New Year's break he was heard to say: "I just hope the SOB keeps reading my blog!"
Happy New Year from Cvillean.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I know you are all on pins and needles waiting for the latest update on TSA airport security measures or as I refer to it, "the nekkid truth".
You may recall the woman (pictured above, and how!) going through security in her bra and panties some while ago. This was her way of protesting the pat downs. She was almost denied boarding that time because of "traces of nitrate somewhere on her body." Well, she's in the news again. She was again barred from getting on a flight because they were, and I quote, " unable to clear an unusual contour of her buttocks area." I can just imagine how many women her age would like to have an unusual contour like hers.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Sorry, I accidentally hit the x key on the keyboard while I was enlarging the picture, but that's not important now.
Anyway, this gal, let's call her Tammy because that's her name, has quite a fascinating life story for her relatively young 52 years. She was a practicing dentist until she lost her license when one of the patients in her care died hours after she treated him. In 1997 she posed for a Playboy issue featuring America's dentists. I guess she must just have been selected at random, huh? She is currently working on a Doctorate degree. Oh, and did I mention that she is wheelchair bound? I couldn't find out why.
There's a certain amount of melancholy to this story because she is obviously a little bit off. She just may be a little bit addicted to attention. Anyway, I was just wondering if anyone else saw the remarkable resemblance between her and the alien in drag in the movie "Mars Attacks". Sharp guys, those TSA agents.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Any good blog will have a section of FAQ to answer the most common questions and save the reader some time. In keeping with that, I list below some of those most germane to this blog.
1. Why did you decide to start this blog?
A. Because my mother didn't love me. Oh sure, she said she did, but I could see right through that. She always treated the other kids better. Remember the time she was supposed to take me to the park and....... oh sorry, next question.
2. How do you pick a subject for a blog?
A. Fortunately, there are a lot of idiots in the world doing idiotic things.
3. Why do you think readers will follow your blog?
A. See answer # 2.
4. I've noticed the blog has a definite conservative slant. Does this mean you are a Republican?
A. I will answer this if you promise not to tell Big Sis.
5. What are you hoping to accomplish with this blog?
A. I want to inspire young writers everywhere by showing them that you don't need even a modicum of intelligence to publish a blog.
6. I've noticed you are very hard on President Obama in most of your political posts.You've even gone so far as to call him a Socialist. Do you think you are being fair?
A. Thank you for pointing that out. In the future I will try to keep a more open mind when writing about Comrade Obama.
7. Keeping up with this blog must take quite a lot of your time. How do you manage it?
A. You are right. But imparting knowledge to the world is important. Therefore, I have cut my afternoon nap time down to 2 hours.
8. I detect a little bit of anxiety in your writing. It's almost as if you are writing so aggressively to cover up some insecurities. Is this true?
A. Why are you asking that? Did someone tell you to say that? Who are you anyway and who are you working for? Don't ever post on this blog again!
9. It's pretty obvious from your posts that you are not a believer in man made global warming. Do you think this record cold winter in Europe validates your position?
A. Yes I do. However, to be fair to Mr. Gore I'm sure he has the best intentions in trying to bring attention to this. I'm sorry if I have gotten carried away in my criticism of Mr. Gore. Oh, by the way, did you know his mother wore army boots? And he has the breath of a thousand camels.
10. You must have had hundreds of questions over the time you have published this blog. How did you decide to pick these for the FAQ section?
A. Are you serious? I made these all up. You must be one of the people in answer #2.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I was thinking of just taking the rest of the year off from the blog. You know, renew the creative juices and all that good stuff. I was surfing the channels last evening after a hectic but enjoyable Christmas Day. Just as I was thinking of hitting the sack it came on. Another episode of "Hoarders", or as I like to call it "Horrifiers."
I am not trying to knock all reality shows, although many of them are quite deserving of a heap of criticism. They definitely run the gamut. There are, of course, the bottom feeders, like the one where couples were invited to a resort while the producers then tempted them with eye candy to see if they could break up their relationship. Then there are the Peeping Tom shows where we live vicariously with some offbeat family. The more laudable efforts would include "Intervention", where lives are actually trying to be saved and "The Deadliest Catch" where we see how dangerous just going to work can be.
But Hoarders is truly in a class of its own. These folks are not the bottom of the barrel, they are the slime and vermin that live underneath the barrel. I have seen everything from inch thick creeping mold to dead animal carcasses as normal adornments in some of these living quarters. A washed dish is as rare as the sect that worships the left hind leg of a salamander. Their houses make Ma and Pa Kettle's place look palatial. Homelessness begins to look like an appealing alternate lifestyle. Kind of reminds you of that old adage "Be it ever so squalid, there's no place like home."
More woeful yet is the fact that these newest TV personalities are not your typical recluse who has no contact with the outside world. These are people who have raised families in these conditions. It's often their offspring that have engendered the producers to come and film the place being cleaned up. They realize that this public embarrassment is their only way to rescue the individual and provide some therapeutic release for themselves. Naturally, the subjects themselves have no part in the cleanup. How could they, these things are their "treasures." Could you part with a cereal box from 1961 or a partially eaten pizza that has retained its nutritional value even after 12 years? They would rather sit out on the front porch complaining about how their life is being torn apart.
The fact that writing about this show is self-recrimination is not lost on me. I never was one who could turn away from watching a train wreck. My only hope is that the show is canceled due to low ratings as the audience moves on to the newest entry "Perverts and the Women Who Love Them."
Got to go now. I'm hungry and I know there's pizza around here somewhere.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Twas the night before Christmas, while in the White House
Not a creature was stirring, not even a spouse.
The tax bill was signed with the utmost of care,
In hopes that more voters soon would be there.
Congressional folks nestled back in their wards,
With visions of those who fell on their swords.
And Michele in her kerchief and “O” in his cap,
Were now resting up from a heck of a scrap.
When out on the “net” there arose such a clatter
Poor “O” was afraid to know what was the matter,
But he flew to the laptop with hurry and dash
And hit the start button and opened the cache.
His AOL mail had a message that said,
Click on this link, to a site you’ll be led.
And what to his wondering eyes did appear,
But a Wikileaks page and another bad smear.
It amazed him to see how people accuse,
He knew in an instant it must be Fox News.
He thought of the folks who were surely to blame,
He hated those grinches and then called them by name.
Now McConnell! Now Boehner! Now Palin and Beck!
Now Limbaugh and Hannity, you’re pains in the neck!
Where’s Biden, Where’s Reid, Where’s Pelosi or Rahm?
They used to handle these things with aplomb.
But inside was a calmness his face would belie,
And soon a bright sparkle came back to his eye.
For he knew what had happened just wasn’t that bad,
As Republicans did not even know they’d been had.
The tax deal was done and though it was fraught,
The trick had worked better than even he thought.
A wolf in sheep’s clothing with spending so vast
As a stimulus plan it would never have passed.
So he closed out the eve with some cookies and milk
While he laughed at Conservatives and all of their ilk
Yea they heard him exclaim, ‘ere he turned out the light,
“Happy Christmas to all, but to hell with the right!”
Sunday, December 19, 2010
When Harry met Nancy. Both Pelosi and Reid were missing in action during the Presidential signing of the tax cut extension bill. These two congressional leaders, who never missed the signing of a bill that would take your money could not summon up the decency to attend . Apparently giving your money back to you is not patriotic enough for them. However, I've figured out a way they could make an even more dramatic protest. I've scoured the Federal Tax Code and I can find nothing that disallows someone from paying more taxes than are due. As millionaires who think the rich don't pay enough, they could set the example for others and pony up for a couple extra mill. Oh, and while they're at it they can sign up for Obamacare and drop their Congressional health plan coverage. Now that's putting your money where you're extremely large mouth is.
Further proof that no good deed goes unpunished -- Two men were ticketed by a Natural Resources Officer after they pulled a deer from an icy grave. In Baltimore County Maryland, neighbors banded together to rescue a deer that had gotten trapped in an icy river. The NRO on the scene offered no help but did write them a ticket after the incident because they did not wear life vests. Never mind that the law only requires kids 16 and under to wear vests. The ticket did not specify any particular violation, just a $90 fine. I just have one question. What the hell is a Natural Resources Officer and who gave them this much power? Sounds like the work of the environmentalists to me.
Forsooth, the Obamas were not invited to the April wedding of Bonnie Prince William and his betrothed! The reason given for this snub was that it is not an official state function. I have my own theory.
The first thing Obama did when he moved into the White House was have the bust of Winston Churchill removed and returned to Britain. Real smart, O. You don't think the fact that he dissed probably the greatest statesman of the 20th century and England would have anything to do with this slight do ya? Obama can only hope to be viewed by history as worthy enough to carry Churchill's cigar box for him.
This from ABC News: Last fall, as he had done hundreds of times, Iranian-American businessman Farid Seif passed through security at a Houston airport and boarded an international flight. He didn't realize he had forgotten to remove the loaded snub nose "baby" Glock pistol from his computer bag. But TSA officers never noticed as his bag glided along the belt and was x-rayed. When he got to his hotel after the three-hour flight, he was shocked to discover the gun traveled unnoticed from Houston. "It's just impossible to miss it, you know. I mean, this is not a small gun," Seif told ABC News. "How can you miss it? You cannot miss it!"
Here's my take on this. While Seif's bag was going through x-ray, there was a playboy model going through the passenger scanner and pat down. Need I say more?
Auditors from the Federal Reserve told a bank in Oklahoma they would have to take down any decorations with references to Christmas. They cited an obscure clause in the Federal Banking regulations to wit:
the discouragement clause of Regulation B ........the use of words, symbols, models and other forms of communication ... express, imply or suggest a discriminatory preference or policy of exclusion. Is there any wonder banks are failing at record rates if the auditors are spending their time with this politically correct garbage instead of the actual books? By the way, a public outcry got this decision reversed.
I leave you with this thought for the season: Beware ye the stranger who approacheth and sayeth "Hi, I'm from the government, I'm here to help you."
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The “did you have a nice trip?" award to the conditioning coach of the New York Jets who, during the Jets Dolphins game, intentionally tripped an opposing player as he was running along the sideline during a kickoff return. He was suspended for the rest of the season.
The “if you thought the Grinch was bad, get a load of us” award to the home invaders in Live Oak, CA (where else?) who tied up a 12 year old boy who was home and stole all his video games.
The “dust in the wind” award to the thieves who stole 400 brass urns from a cemetery in Houston, TX. Apparently they are then selling them for scrap metal. Talk about brass balls.
The “I forgot to pick my uniform up at the cleaners” award to the mailman in Wisconsin who delivered the mail while completely naked to a 52 year old woman acquaintance, at her office. He said he had noticed the woman was stressed out and he wanted to cheer her up and make her laugh. Which begs another question, doesn’t it?
The “will it play in Peoria?” award to the man who thought it would be a neat prank to throw a dead squirrel into the drive-through window of a Hardees near Peoria, IL. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. I guess the answer is no.
The “ain’t it a shame when cousins marry?” award to the Swiss parliament which is considering decriminalizing incest in their country. Daniel Vischer, a Green Party MP, said he saw nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex, even if they were related. Vischer could not stay around to answer reporters’ questions however, stating that he was running late for a dinner date with his “hot” sister.
And this edition’s “hands down” winner:
The “oh, so that’s what it was” award to the TSA agents at the Raleigh-Durham, NC airport. When he “failed” the scanner image test a man was told he would need a pat down. When he asked why, he was told, and I quote, “there is something suspicious hanging between your legs.” After an extremely intimate body search, the agents were surprised to find it was, yes, I know this is difficult to believe, just the man’s genitals. The man has reportedly received several marriage proposals since the incident.
Yep, it’s the "good hands" people all right. (http://wwwcvillean.blogspot.com/2010/11/haltyour-privacy-or-your-life.html)
Yep, it’s the "good hands" people all right. (http://wwwcvillean.blogspot.com/2010/11/haltyour-privacy-or-your-life.html)
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sometime in the future……………
Policeman: “Sir, may I ask where you were heading when I pulled you over.”
Motorist: “Yes officer, I was on my way to buy some crack from a friend.”
Officer: “That’s fine son, drugs have been legalized in this state. May I ask where you’re from?”
Motorist: “I’m from Nuevo Juarez, Mexico. I’ve been living here three years now. I have no visa or passport but I’ve been meaning to get them.”
Officer: “No problem son, this state is now a sanctuary state for illegals. Is that blood on the front seat?”
Motorist: “Yes officer, my friend and I had a disagreement and we struggled with a knife and he got stabbed."
Officer: “It’s OK son, this state has very liberal self-defense laws. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Motorist: “No sir.”
Officer: “Do you realize you are not driving a hybrid car?”
Motorist: Yes sir, but it is the only one I could afford. Hybrids are now $850,000.00 and I got this one for $175.00.”
Officer: "May I see your carbon credits card?”
Motorist: “It expired last year.”
Officer: “That’s a sad story son but I’m afraid I will have to arrest you. Please get out and put your hands behind your back"
Motorist: “What’s this about officer?”
Officer: “This state passed a “green driving law.” You will be charged with Ecocide. That’s a capital offense and punishable by death.”
Motorist: “I would like to talk to my attorney.”
Officer: “Sorry son, the Ecocide statute states that those constitutional rights are abrogated because attorneys emit more CO2 than anyone else. A trial could jeopardize the entire population. Come with me please."
Thursday, December 9, 2010
It's that time of year when websites and bloggers all around the world make their predictions for the coming year. Not to be out done, following are my predictions for 2011. Let's hope I'm wrong:
An earthquake will destroy much of Beverly Hills, CA. Democrats will immediately blame George Bush. Later, Kanye West will crash a televised “Beverly Hills Relief” charity show and say that Bush doesn’t care about white America.
Global warming, or rather, climate change advocates will present definitive proof that humans caused the extinction of Al Gore.
As a result of a decapitation by an illegal hit during a recent game, the NFL will change its contact rules and become the NFFL or National Flag Football League. Investors in businesses making Velcro will become overnight millionaires prompting President Obama to label them part of the “filthy rich” and subject to the recently passed 350% tax bracket.
Sarah Palin will star in a reality show called “Lefty Survivors” in which she will attempt to track down and shoot Bill Maher, Jonathan Stewart, Michael Moore, David Letterman and Sean Penn. PETA will be up in arms claiming that she is not hunting them for food, clothing or shelter but rather for political gain.
President Obama will take a crash course in Spanish as all the southwestern states will secede and form the UCA or United Cartel of America. His first Spanish speaking speech when he visits the newly formed country will be titled “Gringos – our common enemy.”
In baseball, all Hall of Fame records after 1997 will have an asterisk designation after them due to the recent discovery that after that time, the baseballs themselves were injected with steroids.
Congress will pass a law called “what you see is what you get” which will allow gays in the military to design their own uniforms.
A retired combat veteran will be threatened with arrest after flying the American flag in his yard. Oh wait, that already happened. Never mind.
All commercial airline passengers will be required to carry a two-sided nude ID picture of themselves in order to speed up the boarding process.
This blog will be classified as anti-American and terroristic and will be shut down. Big Al and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange will be named “Co-persons of the Year” by Time magazine.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
For a change, this blog will take on a more serious tone. I had the privilege of knowing one of Tom Brokaw's "Greatest Generation” personally. My father-in-law, Robin E Larson, was a true WWII hero, literally from the first day of the war. “Bob” was a young Ensign pilot assigned to a sea plane patrol squadron based on Ford Island, in the heart of Pearl Harbor.
On Dec 7th 1941 he, along with thousands of others, was fighting for his life. When the bombing started he was in his barracks at the opposite end of the island from his seaplane. Along with several other pilots he jumped on a 2 ½ ton flatbed truck and headed for the planes. They had to stop a few times to jump off and duck under the truck during Japanese strafing runs. At one point he was standing a couple hundred yards from the USS Arizona when it blew up and broke apart. The blast knocked them all to the ground.
After finally surviving the harrowing trip across the island he and a copilot and some seaman pushed bombs into the plane’s bay door. They were going to push them out when they were over the enemy ships. The plane was never designed to be used like this but in the heat of that moment; there was payback to be had. He then gave his wallet to one of the seaman. He wanted there to be something to send back to his family, just in case. They miraculously got up in the air and headed due west to “sink the Jap fleet”. Unbeknown to them and quite fortunately as it turned out, the Japanese had come from the north so they never found them. As he related it, the return to Pearl Harbor was far more hazardous. There was confusion with identity codes and American fliers had been shot down by mistake.
Next up was Midway. While not a direct participant in the battle itself. Bob played an integral role. Flying one of the scout patrols looking for the Japanese fleet he received and relayed the message and positions from the plane that discovered it.
Throughout the Pacific war, Bob and his crew flew numerous rescue missions to retrieve downed pilots or survivors from ships that had been sunk. He recounted one such episode during which he, his crew, and survivors had to stay on the ocean surface overnight. During the rescue the swells had grown too big to risk a takeoff. They spent the night bailing a small leak until they could get airborne the next morning. However, there was one he didn't talk about much. It was a failed rescue mission that is summarized on the following website http://www.vpnavy.com/vp23_mishap.html Look for the article of 30 Oct 1944. From personal knowledge I know that, as commander of the aircraft, Bob did not let any of his crew get into the life rafts until the wounded man was safely secured in one.
He also had the task of transporting many high ranking Navy, Marine and Army officers to and from battle areas. Many of the names you would recognize if you follow WWII history at all.
He was not to go through the war without a fair taste of ground warfare. His air group was assigned to ferry supplies and remove wounded from Iwo Jima. At one point, while waiting to be reloaded during the night, they were attacked and had to take cover in a foxhole. The next morning it was discovered that the men in the neighboring foxhole were dead. That night some Japanese had sneaked in and slit their throats.
Captain Larson went on to have a stellar career in the Navy, retiring with many commendations after 32 years. Before he died and after much nagging by yours truly and others, he finally wrote memoirs. They are a fascinating read. In 1991, my wife and I had the honor of traveling with Bob and her mother to Pearl Harbor for the 50th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor survivors. Another war hero, President George H. W. Bush, spoke at the ceremony. It was one of the highlights of my life.
Remember them all on Pearl Harbor Day.
Monday, December 6, 2010
There's an old axiom in sports: Don't ever stop to look behind you because they'll always be someone gaining on you. I guess that applies to the world of coffee houses also. Eat your heart out Starbucks because the "Bean Shop" is about to run right by you. And guess what they're doing it with. That's right, "cat poop coffee".
Here's the description from the Calgary Sun of the latest "cup of joe" innovation:
The Bean Stop in Eau Claire Market is set to start serving Kopi Luwak — better known as cat poop coffee — on Tuesday, one of the most unique blends available anywhere on the planet. Produced in the Doi Chaang region of northern Thailand, Kopi Luwak is made when the common palm civet — a small, tree-dweller Cutler said is closer to a raccoon than a cat — eats coffee cherries. Once passed through the animal’s digestive system, workers pick the seeds out — by hand — and they are processed. The end result is what Cutler describes as one of the most unique blends of java you can find.
End result? I'd say that's an understated pun if ever there was one. While I'm basically a house blend coffee drinker, I understand how other folks might have different tastes for the more exotic blends around the world. But cat poop coffee? What about the tea drinkers of the world? Can "dog pee tea" be far behind? (there's that pun again - sorry). The kicker to this is that this coffee delicacy will run you a mere $25 a cup.
Well, as a confirmed capitalist, I say whatever the market will bear. If you're up for a little feline flavor in your morning waker upper, more power to you. Just don't come complaining to me if you suddenly have a problem walking past sandboxes.