1. The "you'll never take me alive" award to Helen Staudinger. After being denied a kiss by a neighbor 39 years her junior, this 92-year-old Florida woman allegedly returned to her home, retrieved a .380 semi-automatic handgun, and fired several shots into the man’s residence. The 53-year-old man stated that he has been trying to thwart her advances for months. She has been charged with aggravated assault and firing into an occupied swelling. Bail was denied after Helen asked the judge what he was doing after the trial.
2. The "this is your brain on drugs " award to rocker Sammy Hagar of the group Van Halen. Hagar claims to have been abducted by aliens. Sammy stated that the aliens tapped into his brain by wireless. Hagar was released when the connection was dropped due to a weak signal. Like millions of other users the aliens immediately canceled their subscription to Comcast.
3. The "finally, a suicide method you can live with" award to the Tufts Medical Center team in Boston. Their recent scientific study revealed that yes, sex can kill. The article said that sudden bursts of moderate to intense physical activity -- such as jogging or having sex -- significantly increase the risk of having a heart attack. The team, which consisted of 7 men and 7 women reported that although their findings are indisputable, none of them suffered any serious cardiac symptoms while doing their "research".
4. The "pound for pound, he's the fastest man alive" award to Kelly Gnieiting. Kelly, a former sumo wrestler who weighs 400 pounds, broke his own record of 12 hours by finishing the LA marathon in just under 10 hours. It's a Guinness Book record with an asterisk since no other 400 pounder has ever attempted the event. When reached for comment, Kelly mused, "it could have been under 9 hours easily, but the line at the Burger King drive-through was the worst".
5. The "where's the beef"? award to Ricardo Jones of San Antonio. Jones, infuriated by the fact that the seven Beefy Crunch Burritos he ordered at Taco Bell would cost not 99 cents each but $1.49 due to a price hike, shot at a store manager with an air gun, brandished an assault rifle, had a shootout with police, and resisted arrest until he was tear-gassed. No one was injured in the melee and Jones was taken into custody and released on bail. As a precaution, police have posted a 24-hour watch on the gas station that Jones frequents.
6. The "I love it when a plan comes together" award to the two robbers in Tulsa, OK. The two men held up 3 different pizza joints inside of two hours last Sunday. However, at the Papa Johns place, the one man came in the front door brandishing his pistol and the manager said, "we don't have any money, we were just robbed a few minutes ago". Apparently, the other man had come in the back and stuck them up just prior. This gives more credence than ever to the old adage, "the early bird gets the anchovies".
7. The "don't count (or eat) all your eggs" award to Dongyang, China. According to the Qianjiang Evening Post, every early spring, a foul odor fills the air of Dongyang, Zhejiang Province. Dongyang people call it “the smell of spring.” It’s actually the smell of urine. Dongyang people collect urine from school aged boys and boil eggs in it. They sell them at 1.50 yuan (23 cents) apiece. It sells like hot cakes. These delicacies apparently also have curative powers such as ridding one of fevers and serving as a "pick me up" if you're feeling tired. Thanks, but I think I'll just take a nap.
8. The "Michael Moore - it's not your money, it belongs to all us" award to Kensley Hawkins. Hawkins, 60, has saved $11,000 by working while incarcerated in a Joliet prison since the 1980s, making about $75 a month. The State of Illinois now says he owes them that money for the cost of his stay." On the plus side, after two more years of labor Hawkins will be eligible for a free night at any penitentiary of his choice (weekend nights excluded).
9. The "didn't they used to go to jail for this"? award to Senator Claire McCaskill (D) of Missouri. McCaskill owes nearly $300,000 in property taxes for a private plane she owns jointly with her husband. She also recently paid back $89,000 for improperly using campaign contributions for the plane expenses during her campaign. Citing her "unawareness" of tax and campaign rules for the "oversights" McCaskill has graciously decided to sell the "damn thing" to be rid of the problem. No charges have been brought at this time. Meanwhile, I. M. Tootrusting of Fair Play, Missouri has finished serving his 18 month sentence for $3500 of back taxes owed to the IRS. It's good to be the Senator.