Due to the recently discovered changes in the earth's rotation, this is your new revised horoscope for today:
You will be confused by the issuance of the new horoscope date ranges.
You will go to Wikipedia and look up the word Ophiuchus.
Your moon will be in the 7th house of Sagittarius ..wait..no it's the 4th condo of Pisces....no the 3rd villa of Taurus....no, no, now I remember, it's the 4th apartment on the left just past Ursa Major, you can't miss it.
You will meet the perfect man tonight and say to him "so what's your sign?" He will not know it.
You will come into a great deal of money......oops, that was your previous sign......you will lose a great deal of money.
Your prospects for a job are enhanced. There will be many openings for new horoscope calendar salespeople.
Do not sign any important documents while Mercury is rising. Keep a thermometer with you until you see it dropping.
Do not drive today. The new star alignment indicates that your carburetor needs cleaning. Didn't we talk about this when you were a Libra?