"They did what?" Awards Volume I - 4th Edition.

The “did you have a nice trip?" award to the conditioning coach of the New York Jets who, during the Jets Dolphins game, intentionally tripped an opposing player as he was running along the sideline during a kickoff return. He was suspended for the rest of the season.

The “if you thought the Grinch was bad, get a load of us” award to the home invaders in Live Oak, CA (where else?) who tied up a 12 year old boy who was home and stole all his video games.

The “dust in the wind” award to the thieves who stole 400 brass urns from a cemetery in Houston, TX. Apparently they are then selling them for scrap metal. Talk about brass balls.

The “I forgot to pick my uniform up at the cleaners” award to the mailman in Wisconsin who delivered the mail while completely naked to a 52 year old woman acquaintance, at her office. He said he had noticed the woman was stressed out and he wanted to cheer her up and make her laugh. Which begs another question, doesn’t it?

The “will it play in Peoria?” award to the man who thought it would be a neat prank to throw a dead squirrel into the drive-through window of  a Hardees near Peoria, IL. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct. I guess the answer is no.

The “ain’t it a shame when cousins marry?” award to the Swiss parliament which is considering decriminalizing incest in their country. Daniel Vischer, a Green Party MP, said he saw nothing wrong with two consenting adults having sex, even if they were related. Vischer could not stay around to answer reporters’ questions however, stating that he was running late for a dinner date with his “hot” sister.

And this edition’s “hands down” winner:

The “oh, so that’s what it was” award to the TSA agents at the Raleigh-Durham, NC airport. When he “failed” the scanner image test a man was told he would need a pat down. When he asked why, he was told, and I quote, “there is something suspicious hanging between your legs.” After an extremely intimate body search, the agents were surprised to find it was, yes, I know this is difficult to believe, just the man’s genitals. The man has reportedly received several marriage proposals since the incident.

Yep, it’s the "good hands" people all right. (http://wwwcvillean.blogspot.com/2010/11/haltyour-privacy-or-your-life.html)

UN climate conference suggests International Climate Justice Tribunal

Sometime in the future……………

Policeman: “Sir, may I ask where you were heading when I pulled you over.”

Motorist: “Yes officer, I was on my way to buy some crack from a friend.”

Officer: “That’s fine son, drugs have been legalized in this state. May I ask where you’re from?”

Motorist: “I’m from Nuevo Juarez, Mexico. I’ve been living here three years now. I have no visa or passport but I’ve been meaning to get them.”

Officer:  “No problem son, this state is now a sanctuary state for illegals. Is that blood on the front seat?”

Motorist: “Yes officer, my friend and I had a disagreement and we struggled with a knife and he got stabbed."

Officer: “It’s OK son, this state has very liberal self-defense laws. Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Motorist: “No sir.”

Officer: “Do you realize you are not driving a hybrid car?”

Motorist: Yes sir, but it is the only one I could afford. Hybrids are now $850,000.00 and I got this one for $175.00.”

Officer: "May I see your carbon credits card?”

Motorist: “It expired last year.”

Officer: “That’s a sad story son but I’m afraid I will have to arrest you. Please get out and put your hands behind your back"

Motorist: “What’s this about officer?”

Officer: “This state passed a “green driving law.” You will be charged with Ecocide. That’s a capital offense and punishable by death.” 

Motorist: “I would like to talk to my attorney.”

Officer: “Sorry son, the Ecocide statute states that those constitutional rights are abrogated because attorneys emit more CO2 than anyone else. A trial could jeopardize the entire population. Come with me please."

Big Al's fearless predictions for 2011

It's that time of year when websites and bloggers all around the world make their predictions for the coming year. Not to be out done, following are my predictions for 2011. Let's hope I'm wrong:

An earthquake will destroy much of Beverly Hills, CA. Democrats will immediately blame George Bush. Later, Kanye West will crash a televised “Beverly Hills Relief” charity show and say that Bush doesn’t care about white America.

Global warming, or rather, climate change advocates will present definitive proof that humans caused the extinction of Al Gore.

As a result of a decapitation by an illegal hit during a recent game, the NFL will change its contact rules and become the NFFL or National Flag Football League. Investors in businesses making Velcro will become overnight millionaires prompting President Obama to label them part of the “filthy rich” and subject to the recently passed 350% tax bracket.

Sarah Palin will star in a reality show called “Lefty Survivors” in which she will attempt to track down and shoot Bill Maher, Jonathan Stewart, Michael Moore, David Letterman and Sean Penn. PETA will be up in arms claiming that she is not hunting them for food, clothing or shelter but rather for political gain.

President Obama will take a crash course in Spanish as all the southwestern states will secede and form the UCA or United Cartel of America. His first Spanish speaking speech when he visits the newly formed country will be titled “Gringos – our common enemy.”

In baseball, all Hall of Fame records after 1997 will have an asterisk designation after them due to the recent discovery that after that time, the baseballs themselves were injected with steroids.

Congress will pass a law called “what you see is what you get” which will allow gays in the military to design their own uniforms.

A retired combat veteran will be threatened with arrest after flying the American flag in his yard. Oh wait, that already happened. Never mind.

All commercial airline passengers will be required to carry a two-sided nude ID picture of themselves in order to speed up the boarding process.

This blog will be classified as anti-American and terroristic and will be shut down. Big Al and Wikileaks founder Julian Assange will be named “Co-persons of the Year” by Time magazine.

The day that lives in infamy

For a change, this blog will take on a more serious tone. I had the privilege of knowing one of Tom Brokaw's "Greatest Generation” personally. My father-in-law, Robin E Larson, was a true WWII hero, literally from the first day of the war. “Bob” was a young Ensign pilot assigned to a sea plane patrol squadron based on Ford Island, in the heart of Pearl Harbor.

On Dec 7^th 1941 he, along with thousands of others, was fighting for his life. When the bombing started he was in his barracks at the opposite end of the island from his seaplane. Along with several other pilots he jumped on a 2 ½ ton flatbed truck and headed for the planes. They had to stop a few times to jump off and duck under the truck during Japanese strafing runs. At one point he was standing a couple hundred yards from the USS Arizona when it blew up and broke apart. The blast knocked them all to the ground.

After finally surviving the harrowing trip across the island he and a copilot and some seaman pushed bombs into the plane’s bay door. They were going to push them out when they were over the enemy ships. The plane was never designed to be used like this but in the heat of that moment; there was payback to be had. He then gave his wallet to one of the seaman. He wanted there to be something to send back to his family, just in case. They miraculously got up in the air and headed  due west to “sink the Jap fleet”. Unbeknown to them and quite fortunately as it turned out, the Japanese had come from the north so they never found them. As he related it, the return to Pearl Harbor was far more hazardous. There was confusion with identity codes and American fliers had been shot down by mistake.

Next up was Midway. While not a direct participant in the battle itself. Bob played an integral role. Flying one of the scout patrols looking for the Japanese fleet he received and relayed the message and positions from the plane that discovered it.

Throughout the Pacific war, Bob and his crew flew numerous rescue missions to retrieve downed pilots or survivors from ships that had been sunk. He recounted one such episode during which he, his crew, and survivors had to stay on the ocean surface overnight. During the rescue the swells had grown too big to risk a takeoff. They spent the night bailing a small leak until they could get airborne the next morning. However, there was one he didn't talk about much. It was a failed rescue mission that is summarized on the following website http://www.vpnavy.com/vp23_mishap.html  Look for the article of 30 Oct 1944. From personal knowledge I know that, as commander of the aircraft, Bob did not let any of his crew get into the life rafts until the wounded man was safely secured in one.

He also had the task of transporting many high ranking Navy, Marine and Army officers to and from battle areas. Many of the names you would recognize if you follow WWII history at all.

He was not to go through the war without a fair taste of ground warfare. His air group was assigned to ferry supplies and remove wounded from Iwo Jima. At one point, while waiting to be reloaded during the night, they were attacked and had to take cover in a foxhole. The next morning it was discovered that the men in the neighboring foxhole were dead. That night some Japanese had sneaked in and slit their throats.

Captain Larson went on to have a stellar career in the Navy, retiring with many commendations after 32 years. Before he died and after much nagging by yours truly and others, he finally wrote memoirs. They are a fascinating read.  In 1991, my wife and I had the honor of traveling with Bob and her mother to Pearl Harbor for the 50th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor survivors. Another war hero, President George H. W. Bush, spoke at the ceremony. It was one of the highlights of my life.

 Remember them all on Pearl Harbor Day.

One litter box latte...to go, please.

There's an old axiom in sports: Don't ever stop to look behind you because they'll always be someone gaining on you. I guess that applies to the world of coffee houses also. Eat your heart out Starbucks because the "Bean Shop" is about to run right by you. And guess what they're doing it with. That's right, "cat poop coffee".

Here's the description from the Calgary Sun of the latest "cup of joe" innovation:

The Bean Stop in Eau Claire Market is set to start serving Kopi Luwak — better known as cat poop coffee — on Tuesday, one of the most unique blends available anywhere on the planet. Produced in the Doi Chaang region of northern Thailand, Kopi Luwak is made when the common palm civet — a small, tree-dweller Cutler said is closer to a raccoon than a cat — eats coffee cherries. Once passed through the animal’s digestive system, workers pick the seeds out — by hand — and they are processed. The end result is what Cutler describes as one of the most unique blends of java you can find.

End result? I'd say that's an understated pun if ever there was one. While I'm basically a house blend coffee drinker, I understand how other folks might have different tastes for the more exotic blends around the world. But cat poop coffee? What about the tea drinkers of the world? Can "dog pee tea" be far behind? (there's that pun again - sorry). The kicker to this is that this coffee delicacy will run you a mere $25 a cup.

Well, as a confirmed capitalist, I say whatever the market will bear. If you're up for a little feline flavor in your morning waker upper, more power to you. Just don't come complaining to me if you suddenly have a problem walking past sandboxes.